We finally had the talk tonight, and it was as amicable as it could have been (I guess as breakups go). I'm glad we were on the same page.
We didn't get to 50 first dates, but the 30-some we had will be some of the best moments of my life.
< 3
Monday, January 20, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Day 15/16/17/18
Clarity came today at the laundromat. What else can you do but think when all you have to do is watch clothes spin round and round?
I have come to accept the fact that I don't want to love someone over long distance anymore. I thought I could live with having a once-a-month boyfriend and be fine with it. And I was genuinely ok with it, at the beginning. But now that seems like a past self. The present me wants depth. Progress. I want to be moving on the trail and not stand stationary, no matter how beautiful the lookout point is at that moment.
I'll stop speaking in metaphors and just say, it was the right relationship to have at the right time. Unfortunately, we're in the wrong places, literally and psychologically. If things are meant to be, I believe they will be.
I have come to accept the fact that I don't want to love someone over long distance anymore. I thought I could live with having a once-a-month boyfriend and be fine with it. And I was genuinely ok with it, at the beginning. But now that seems like a past self. The present me wants depth. Progress. I want to be moving on the trail and not stand stationary, no matter how beautiful the lookout point is at that moment.
I'll stop speaking in metaphors and just say, it was the right relationship to have at the right time. Unfortunately, we're in the wrong places, literally and psychologically. If things are meant to be, I believe they will be.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Day 12
This has nothing to do with why I returned to blogging on Day 1.
It's important to take a stand right? (Rhetorical question) Even if it means expressing something your friends or other people may not necessarily want to hear. I rejected two proposals of a friend today. The first time she asked if I wanted to do The Color Run. I said no because of an article similar to this one that I read about the organizer's for-profit status. The second time she proposed eating at a restaurant as part of our dinner plans. I checked it out and decided not to join, because they used to serve foie gras. I use the term "used to" in a pretty loose way, knowing that there have been many establishments that skirt the ban and find loopholes in order to continue serving it.
No hate against my friend's ideas at all. She is one of the sweetest people ever. I hate rejecting people. It makes me uncomfortable because I'm usually more than happy to be the easygoing one and go with the flow, say yes to plans that people make so that the other person or group stay happy and there is less hassle and drama for all involved. I couldn't do it though. It probably also has to do with the fact that I would be paying with my wallet for these activities, but more than anything I've decided I don't want to compromise my principles in order to keep the peace.
I know, I know. You can always say, just because this other place doesn't serve foie gras doesn't mean all their food is sourced ethically. Just because The Color Run has shady financial practices doesn't mean other races don't do that too. But of course. Just because I take a stand against one thing doesn't negate that there are bad practices happening elsewhere. And just because other places are doing bad things doesn't negate the moral and symbolic importance of taking a stand, period.
So back to Day 12. Yes, my mind was on our relationship today, mainly because I was watching the Broncos-Chargers game and imagining his reactions to each play in the game. Sad the Chargers championship hopes have been dashed, too.
It's important to take a stand right? (Rhetorical question) Even if it means expressing something your friends or other people may not necessarily want to hear. I rejected two proposals of a friend today. The first time she asked if I wanted to do The Color Run. I said no because of an article similar to this one that I read about the organizer's for-profit status. The second time she proposed eating at a restaurant as part of our dinner plans. I checked it out and decided not to join, because they used to serve foie gras. I use the term "used to" in a pretty loose way, knowing that there have been many establishments that skirt the ban and find loopholes in order to continue serving it.
No hate against my friend's ideas at all. She is one of the sweetest people ever. I hate rejecting people. It makes me uncomfortable because I'm usually more than happy to be the easygoing one and go with the flow, say yes to plans that people make so that the other person or group stay happy and there is less hassle and drama for all involved. I couldn't do it though. It probably also has to do with the fact that I would be paying with my wallet for these activities, but more than anything I've decided I don't want to compromise my principles in order to keep the peace.
I know, I know. You can always say, just because this other place doesn't serve foie gras doesn't mean all their food is sourced ethically. Just because The Color Run has shady financial practices doesn't mean other races don't do that too. But of course. Just because I take a stand against one thing doesn't negate that there are bad practices happening elsewhere. And just because other places are doing bad things doesn't negate the moral and symbolic importance of taking a stand, period.
So back to Day 12. Yes, my mind was on our relationship today, mainly because I was watching the Broncos-Chargers game and imagining his reactions to each play in the game. Sad the Chargers championship hopes have been dashed, too.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Day 11
Pretty regular day. Errands were run, visited the gym, ate wings, watched football, napped, opened a bottle of wine the wrong way, cleaned my car, got a smog check, mailed a package, had a Bridgeway meeting, had a semi-productive Saturday. Not much contemplating going on. I thought about him, but I'm not necessarily missing him. I saw a picture posted of him on Facebook today and was glad he looked like he was having fun.
Being on the break has caused me to think about who I am outside of my relationship. Am I my own person? Am I happy with where I am in my life, in my relationships with other people? What else more could I be doing? I guess because in recent memory, the relationship hasn't been a defining, or at times even primary, feature of my life so that I've had the luxury of focusing energy on things larger than myself. Larger than a boyfriend. So maybe I shouldn't think about my relationship so much. I mean, it's important to think about it, but I don't want my waking hours to be dominated by being stressed over making choices and mulling over hypotheticals.
This will be the year of finding out more about myself. Hi Brandy. This will be the year of experiences and further discovery.
Being on the break has caused me to think about who I am outside of my relationship. Am I my own person? Am I happy with where I am in my life, in my relationships with other people? What else more could I be doing? I guess because in recent memory, the relationship hasn't been a defining, or at times even primary, feature of my life so that I've had the luxury of focusing energy on things larger than myself. Larger than a boyfriend. So maybe I shouldn't think about my relationship so much. I mean, it's important to think about it, but I don't want my waking hours to be dominated by being stressed over making choices and mulling over hypotheticals.
This will be the year of finding out more about myself. Hi Brandy. This will be the year of experiences and further discovery.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Day 10
Took a break from a break today. Felt like familiar times...like friendship? I don't know. I'm so confused.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Day 9
Why do people deal with traumatic crises in their lives the way that they do? Some people completely break down, become inconsolably depressed, or reject everything and everyone around them. Others are amazingly resilient, building a greater capacity to embrace and to love, and become overall stronger beings.
This question popped up in my mind today in yoga class. My yoga instructor today came back after a hiatus of over a year from teaching. He was away taking care of and loving his wife who recently succumbed to cancer. Honestly, before walking into class today I felt a little nervous and awkward. It's not like I ever really talked with him, but I knew the reason why he was away and I'm really bad at dealing with sad or tragic situations that happen to other people. So my slight anxiety came from not knowing how I should act if we did happen to have a one-on-one moment, and especially not knowing how he might have been changed by this life-altering experience. My fear was unfounded, because he was his usual wholesome, cheery, vibrant self. Not a thing had changed except the fact that he forgot where the light switch was. I had not been to a class that packed, and full of energy and sweat in a while.
I don't really know why I did, but I teared up a little in my first downward dog. Was I imagining how it might feel to lose someone so precious in my life, and knowing I probably couldn't face that situation with half the strength he did? Was I in awe that a person could exhibit such internal and external strength and emerge seemingly stronger, more radiant, more loving, and more loved? I think that's what a person looks like when they have fully internalized yoga. Your core can lift more than your physical being. Your spirit, your being, your essence have all been lifted.
This question popped up in my mind today in yoga class. My yoga instructor today came back after a hiatus of over a year from teaching. He was away taking care of and loving his wife who recently succumbed to cancer. Honestly, before walking into class today I felt a little nervous and awkward. It's not like I ever really talked with him, but I knew the reason why he was away and I'm really bad at dealing with sad or tragic situations that happen to other people. So my slight anxiety came from not knowing how I should act if we did happen to have a one-on-one moment, and especially not knowing how he might have been changed by this life-altering experience. My fear was unfounded, because he was his usual wholesome, cheery, vibrant self. Not a thing had changed except the fact that he forgot where the light switch was. I had not been to a class that packed, and full of energy and sweat in a while.
I don't really know why I did, but I teared up a little in my first downward dog. Was I imagining how it might feel to lose someone so precious in my life, and knowing I probably couldn't face that situation with half the strength he did? Was I in awe that a person could exhibit such internal and external strength and emerge seemingly stronger, more radiant, more loving, and more loved? I think that's what a person looks like when they have fully internalized yoga. Your core can lift more than your physical being. Your spirit, your being, your essence have all been lifted.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Day 8
Missing someone a lot. Saw pygmy goats on TV today and really wanted to tell said person, but I'll need to enjoy the moment with myself.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Day 7
Too physically tired to think about missing anyone today. Revealing that it feels like any other day.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Day 6
Happiness in other places. The green dot is alluring, a place of comfort and routine. I didn't realize it was happiness either, until I lost access to it.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
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