Relationship Advice from my Cube Soulmate

M: problems that are not problems can be problematic in a relationship

Yes. Just trust.

YLOO

Resist the easy comforts of complacency, the specious glitter of materialism, the narcotic paralysis of self-satisfaction.  Be worthy of your advantages.

That about sums it up. One of the best commencement speeches I've seen in a while. A fresh reminder that I should go forth, in all my insignificance, and appreciate and be thankful every day that I wake up breathing air and have the opportunity to enjoy Paris for Paris, climb the mountain, and afford moments of self satisfaction.

Real Life Beats Shakespeare's Tragic Irony

"The key to a happier world is the growth of compassion. We do not need to become religious, nor do we need to believe in an ideology. All that is necessary is for each of us to develop our good human qualities."--The Dalai Lama

How appropriate I came across this quote as I recently read a story about a little girl in China being hit by two trucks and having no less than 18 people heartlessly passing by her before a scrap peddler lady pulled her off the street.

This tragic story demonstrates the ills of humans on so many levels.
1) How are you going to pass a completely helpless human being, without a soul in sight to help her, and pretend like you didn't even see them? She's paralyzed, lying in the middle of the street. She...was...fucking...run...over. By a truck. A two year old. What if it was your kid? Would you pay attention then?
2) How are you going to sit behind your computer, like the asshole coward you are, and post shit things like this woman only saved the child because she wanted to gain financially from doing it? WOW, masters of cynicism, where are you? You guys have got the act down, perfect 10. Don't hide like a coward behind a computer screen posting disgusting comments like that. Not only would you never, NEVER have the balls to commit a courageous act like that, you probably don't have balls, period. They probably were cut off and shoved into your mouth and that's why you're so bitter.
3) When did it become human nature to do a cost-benefit analysis before helping someone desperately in need?

Some arguments have been brought in that I think are just bullshit.
1) Lack of a "good samaritan" law that protects rescuers, because in China there have been incidents where people passing by tried to help old ladies who had fallen and then later got sued because the victim accused them of causing the injury. Because of these incidents people in China are hesitant to help others in need for fear they might get their asses sued.
2) This utilitarian culture that has been pervasive in China since the onset of economic reforms. Values that teach people to pursue pure material gain and take on a utilitarian mindset. Everything is cost-benefit. There is no such thing as altruism. In fact, it's considered a sign of weakness.
I don't deny the two are complicating factors. But when it comes down to it, I can't imagine any mentality as an alternative to instinctively wanting to help a person you see who desperately, unequivocally, absolutely needs your help. If they don't get your help, they will die. If that's not enough for you to intervene, then what is? Don't give bullshit reasons. Either do the right thing, or don't. This is a basic decision that should appeal to your conscience if you are HUMAN. Not if you are Chinese or American. If. you. are. human.

Wow, shit. New low. My faith in humankind to do the most basic, decent thing like save a badly injured, helpless 2 year old toddler can't even be satisfied. Each time I think I discover the rock bottom of the dark side of humankind, nope. It has this ever-expanding quality, like the universe. Just...shit.

Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken

This video reminded me of why I have a passionate distaste for "law enforcement" and police authority.

"Civil disobedience is not our problem. Our problem is civil obedience. Our problem is that people all over the world have obeyed the dictates of leaders…and millions have been killed because of this obedience…Our problem is that people are obedient all over the world in the face of poverty and starvation and stupidity, and war, and cruelty. Our problem is that people are obedient while the jails are full of petty thieves… (and) the grand thieves are running the country. That’s our problem."--Howard Zinn

Some people just don't get it. The ones who talk about the protesters as do-nothings, troublemakers, lazy bums. They are the ones showing their faces, protesting in solidarity, speaking with a voice that has gone unheard for too long. If not civil disobedience, then what? What other means to cast off the forces that oppress? It is human nature to react against things that are trying to harm you. If someone is coming at you with a weapon with intention to hurt, you're not going to put your arms up in defense and fight back?

What's Your Attitude?

Me: I'm glad you're so optimistic.
Friend X: There's no other option.

That really hit me. Attitude makes the difference between those who eventually succeed or fail.

Hope for the Best. Expect the Worst.

Learning to let go is one of the hardest things to do, especially when you know you've done everything in your power to try to make things go the way you want them to. I think people have such a hard time letting go because everything after that becomes uncertain. Will it turn out ok? Or badly? When it comes to this part, I think of something a good friend said to me once: ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen? To me, the worst thing that can happen in any situation is that I will die. Hahaha. Ok, I know that is a low bar to set, but it does put into context whatever "problem" I am preoccupied with at the moment. Should I be worried to this extent, wasting this much time and energy thinking about it? If the answer is no, it means I need to rationally devise a course of action to either let go or prepare to do so.

And then what happens after that? I then think of a quote my yoga instructor told us recently.

[Paraphrasing] Hope is not praying that everything will turn out ok (which is religion <==this is my own two cents =X), but having the certainty to know that it will all make sense.

Pensieve Entry

So much has been on my mind lately. I've just had a lot more time alone to think about things, between making formatting revisions on my thesis, looking at jobs, and part-time tutoring. This post will be random because I literally am pouring out everything that's stored in my head.

It's been a little over a week since Nina was put to sleep. So far there hasn't been a day where I don't think about her. The first few days, I couldn't stop crying. Any little memory I had that came up in my mind of her would trigger an overwhelming flow of emotion. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Regret. I couldn't really separate them; they just all sort of emerged together and tangled me up into an emotional mess. The final moments of her life just kept replaying in my head. I couldn't get away from them, the images of her struggling to breathe while I was rushing her to the clinic, the spilled blood everywhere. I honestly could say this has been the worst form of emotional pain I've been through. My heart just ached.
I will never stop missing her. All I have left of her now is her dog tag and a paw print I preserved in clay. I think that's enough tangible memory for me though. There was something bittersweet I found in the quote, "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure." My memories of Nina are gold.

It seems like my career and relocation plans are facing some challenges. At first when I found out how long the entire process would take, I was really frustrated. Frustrated that it wasn't going smoothly and as how I intended. But after I took some time to think about it, I felt that it was maybe a blessing in disguise. Being here at home longer means I get to spend more precious time with family and friends, relax for a while longer before I become crazy busy again, and just reflect on myself and my life during much appreciated moments of being alone. I do believe all big events in our lives happen for a reason. It's been demonstrated to me time and time again in my own life. Whatever happens these next few months or weeks, I'll go with the flow. It seems to have worked relatively well in the past.

I think my parents are beginning to worry that I don't have a boyfriend or a potential inkling of one. I don't really know what to tell them. Sometimes, I don't really even know what to tell myself. I think I really screw things up for myself. I do believe it's true that it's not hard to be happy. I just have to open my heart to people who are willing to open theirs for me. And there have been windows of opportunity. I find myself really, really wanting to give everything I can offer to someone, emotionally, time-wise, commitment-wise (though I definitely don't mean that in a super-serious, ball-and-chain way), because I think I've reached that point where I'm able to again. But instead, I complicate things for myself by staying fixated on the people, the person, I can't and shouldn't be thinking about. I tell myself not to think about it. It works for a while, because I convince myself differently each time.
You're not really feeling what you're feeling.
That's not what you should be feeling.
Don't take things seriously.
It would never work.
I feel like I'm just fighting myself to no avail. It's like Lindsey Lohan in rehab. Relapse is inevitable. Rargh! In a way, that's also why I'm so eager to go to Beijing. I know it's silly to run away from your issues (in this case, literally), but at least it means I'll have a fresh start, be distanced from this internal struggle I've been having for a while now. In Beijing, I will grow. I will mature. I will find someone who is right for me. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

It actually felt super good to get that out. Girls are stupid huh? Well, we're entitled ;)

ANYWAY, onto a lighter subject near and dear to my heart. I love the warm weather. I forgot how lovely summer in LA can be, especially since I usually take advantage of time off from school to travel and do school-related stuff (as sparingly as possible) during these months. It's especially gorgeous at night. I went for a run tonight and I literally felt like I could just run, and run, and run. I didn't feel tired at all. The breeze on my face felt so calming, and my mind was just blank. I simply was.
Later on I was lying down on the grass, looking up at the sky and listening to Johannes Linstead on my iPod. By the way, he is the reason I have discovered a deep attraction to new age flamenco. Check him out; he is awesome and amazingly talented. Anyway, the sky was especially clear tonight. Or maybe I just don't usually notice it. I could see so many stars, and the moon was just hanging out to my right. I felt true tranquility at that moment. The feeling was incredibly peaceful. No rush, no anxiousness, no negativity. I could have lay there forever, because everything just seemed so simple. And I think I fell in love with the simplicity.

Gratefulness

The birds are chirping, the sun is out, and tomorrow is Father's Day. In this moment, I am happy. Even doing something as seemingly mindless as watching lavender incense burn and its ashes dropping as the fire takes its course downward is satisfying. With all the cynicism and pressure to constantly move forward abound in my life these days (and they seem to compound as I grow older), it's hard to remember that being happy is not difficult. But it only is true if you genuinely believe in it. I am reminded of a quote by David Rothkopf: "Our triumphs are all that much greater because they are not only victories over our enemies but also over ourselves."--Running the World

That's Heavy

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

--C.S. Lewis

Sometimes I wonder if this has become me.

Quote of the Day

"Specialists are those who learn more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing. Generalists, on the other hand, learn less and less about more and more until they know nothing about everything." (Benjamin Cohen, International Political Economy: An Intellectual History, 2008)

Interesting quote!