Never Having Children

My brother and his utter lack of foresight, of maturity, of a work ethic, are the reasons I have never felt more disappointed in my life.

Half the Sky

Women are so, so amazing.

An Insight on Working

I REALLY am appreciating weekends now as a working gal. I feel like I am holding the proverbial breath all week long during workdays, and then when Friday night arrives I just let out that breath in a sigh of relief. Other things I didn't consider joys during my time as a student but now are finding as real treats? Free time. Reading the news. Blogging. My blog really misses me. I know it. We used to be such good friends. Can you forgive me? < 3

Tonight, instead of staying in as I have been recently on Friday nights in order to R&R, I went to a Jason Mraz concert with my sister and friends. He is so, so good live. I am not a concert person. I have never understood the appeal of listening to an artist who sounds like a dream on your iPod, but sounds like they are piercing your bubble while live. In short, I don't go to concerts. But I'm really glad I went to this one. Jason Mraz must be one of the very few on this earth who sounds just as good, if not better, live as he does on his recordings. I was so entertained. And happy I took the extra effort to do something fun and different on a Friday night, breaking my domestic streak. See what I mean about becoming a very dull person in the working world?

Reading Now

I love Ellen Degeneres.

Staying Healthy

It's not New Year's, but I recently came up with a resolution I am going to follow to the T. I took a blood test recently as part of an annual checkup (everyone should get one) and the lab results came back saying I had rather high blood sugar. My family on my mom's side has a history of diabetes so when I heard this news about my health, I became pretty worried. Then yesterday I was reading an article about the really detrimental effects of sugar and then I became really worried. Increased risk of heart disease. Belly fat. Rapid aging. So then I put my foot down and decided, the only source of sugar I'm getting will be from fruit and food with sugar byproducts.

It's been kind of difficult saying no to sweets and refraining from reaching for those chocolate covered raisins, but I need to put this resolution in practice to the extreme. Otherwise, my immediate gratification will eventually give way to regret. I think this is all part of my realization that my body is starting to catch up with my age and I need to treat it well. Love and nurture thyself. Put things into myself that are good for me, that my body will respond to positively and want. I won't have tight, smooth skin; dark, full hair, strong muscles, and reflexes with the ability to respond and react quickly for the rest of my life. I want to be able to keep it for as long as I can because once it's gone, it's gone. And the only thing I want to be gone in my life right now is gosh darn, troublemaking sugar. Be gone!

My Mind is Getting in the Way of my Thinking

This weekend is hosting-my-family-at-the-apartment weekend. It's been a bit stressful, planning things for them to do, making sure they're well-rested and happy, all the while thinking about how much work I have waiting for me on Monday when I return.

This is where my scatterbrain-ness really does me a disservice than any other time. I think my ability to remember things is negatively correlated with my stress level. Even in moments where I am supposed to be in partial or pure relaxation, I find my mind wandering and trying to make a mental checklist of all the things I need to do. I'll be reading a magazine and thinking, what was that ONE gosh darn thing I forgot to put on my to-do list? Or lying in savasana in my yoga practice and thinking about how I'll sequence the ever-accumulating tasks I have for work. I need to prioritize my tasks. All tasks are priority. I'm always thinking about work. I don't want to, but my mind involuntarily starts thinking about it, perusing it. I'm doing it right now. RIGHT NOW, as I'm blogging. I make checklists in numerous spots so I have no centralized checklist and sometimes I'll have to make a checklist to make sure I've remembered where all my checklists are.

Help? I need the Yoga Cove.

The Most Valuable

I haven't blogged in a long time, but something happened tonight that compelled me to write an entry.

My friend's young cousin passed away. He was in his early 20s and battling cancer.

I didn't know him, but his tragic death made me think about how fleeting human life is. No matter what stage of our lives we are at, our existence and consciousness are vulnerable. They can be robbed of us in a matter of seconds. I wonder how my friend's cousin felt during the final days of his life. Was he angry? Was he scared? I know how I would feel. If life were something tangible, I would grip it with all my might and squeeze it so hard it may seem to become intertwined and undifferentiable between my essence and itself. I would be so afraid to lose consciousness, the ability to connect with my family, my friends, breathe air, see colors, hear sounds, taste food, have the energy to do everything I planned for myself in anticipation of what I believed was years and years of opportunity.

This event reminded me of all the Janet Liangs in the world. My heart rushed to tell everyone in my world I loved them, I appreciated them, I was grateful for them, I always wanted to protect them, and I cared more about their safety than anything else. Lest consciousness leave me before I had a chance to convey all of this to all my loved ones, I felt the utmost desperation to make sure everyone knew what I was thinking. Because no one knows what happens to you when you leave this world. No one can send a message for you, even if it is the most meaningful one in the universe. No one would ever know.

Let people know. Make people know.

I hope that the Janets in the world can have a precious extension on their time in this world, so that they may lead and teach others how to cherish their own lives. 

If you're reading this right now that message was intended for you. You should think about doing this: each day, dedicate time, even if only for a few minutes, doing something that you find genuine enjoyment and happiness from. I've told myself that I am going to start doing this. I will not squander this gift I consider the most valuable, because I don't know at what moment it will be taken from me.

YLOO

Resist the easy comforts of complacency, the specious glitter of materialism, the narcotic paralysis of self-satisfaction.  Be worthy of your advantages.

That about sums it up. One of the best commencement speeches I've seen in a while. A fresh reminder that I should go forth, in all my insignificance, and appreciate and be thankful every day that I wake up breathing air and have the opportunity to enjoy Paris for Paris, climb the mountain, and afford moments of self satisfaction.

Why Do You Want Kids?

Is it ok to not have a remote desire to have children? It's not like I'm thinking about this because I'm debating right now in my life whether or not I want to have kids. Lately it's been on my mind quite a bit, more on a philosophical level than anything. I have this acquaintance I went to grad school with who's on my Gchat, who besides is so left leaning she makes me look conservative, posts rants in her status about the immorality of having children. I don't necessarily think it's unethical or immoral. Having children, in my opinion, is a natural right to any living being. It's unethical and immoral when people who are unfit to be parents do have children and burden not only their children's lives, but society at large. This phenomenon of giving so little thought to having children caused me, in turn, to think about why that is. That is, why do people give so little thought to having children and so much credit to it being the next natural stage in life? Is it assumed at some point in your life, you will want to be a mother? A father? What if there are people who never feel that desire? Scratch the 'what if', there are people like that, as evidenced by the comments in this article. I guess the question should be, why is the choice to not have children stigmatized or seen as deviating from the norm? Is having children really the norm? I don't push people who give good reasons to want to have kids. Even having the genuine desire to be a mother, a father, is a good enough reason to me. But I don't think everyone does have that desire. Why aren't we more critical when we ask ourselves, why do I want kids? Do I really want to participate in parenthood? Do I really love children? Or am I doing it because it's the "natural", unquestionable next stage in my life?

I asked myself those questions. At this point in my life, I couldn't find a justifiable answer to that question. To me, I have to find an answer that is bigger than me. Bigger than simply wanting to make a child with my lover, or have my genes carried on. What is parenthood about? At its core, isn't it about selflessly providing for, nurturing, giving the utmost care and love to another life on this planet? There are plenty of existing ones to choose from. Lives, that is. A full, breathing life, whether by chance or regret or whatever else it was, was brought into this world and needing this love, nurture, and selflessness much more than a visage of a life that at this point, is characterized by a sperm and an egg in two people's bodies. Adoption.

This passage really spoke to me when I read it in aforementioned article.

"...no one ever said to me, "Thank you. Thank you for giving the biggest possible gift to the planet by not having a child—bigger than any other act— not owning a car or not flying." No one ever gives people without children any credit."

Hm. Maybe not having...is an ultimate act of selflessness. I sure do feel that way when I see a mom toting around a stroller and four toddlers, two of which are screaming and one is running around without their shoes on. That sounds arrogantly apoplectic, but I am unapologetic. I may sound utterly unlovable towards kids, but quite the contrary. I quite like kids. When I hold a baby, I feel this indescribable warmth in my heart that suddenly turns my body into a cocoon, a desire to protect that helpless thing I am carrying in my arms. So yes, I like kids. I just...haven't found a reason to want my own biological ones, neither on a hypothetical or fundamental level.

If I pass my "fertile" period as a female, aka 20-late 30s without having children, will I regret it? Though I haven't entirely passed through this period yet, I have to say, regret what? Regret not bringing another life into this world? Regret that there wouldn't be another little someone with a bit of me in it? I can't say I do...or would...

I can't say my perspective on this is definitive. Maybe one day, for whatever reason, my selfish desire to procreate will overcome my personal principle of not having children for the sake of having children. It would have to be a really stupendous, life altering reason...one that I have not an inkling of right now.

There's Suddenly This Lump in my Throat.

452 really doesn't sound so much when I think about seeing you.

Notice the Tagline?

Robots Are Singing

I just listened to Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper completely in autotune. Is nothing in music sacred anymore? And this is coming from someone who enjoys her fair share of EDM and bubblegum pop.

Updates...in List Format

1. Things Going on With my Body
I have been so tired this week for no apparent reason. It's times like these I wonder if there's something deeper going on with my body that I don't know about. I have a friend who kept taking long naps and always felt fatigued but she didn't know why, so one day she went to the doctor for a checkup and that's when she found out she had a Vitamin D deficiency. Hm. She wouldn't have known that if she hadn't gone to the doctor. So I wonder if I should do the same. Maybe I'll find a reason for why some weeks I'll be full of energy and other weeks I'll do things like fall asleep at my desk or take naps in my car simply because my eyes are too heavy to keep open. Going to the doctor is one of those things I know I should do, but don't get around to doing because it's not urgent. Like going to the dentist for a cavity fill. Or buying a dress because it's on sale and the sale ends tomorrow.

I tried an on-ramp (introductory) 4-day Crossfit course to see if "constant variation, functional movement, high intensity" exercises were for me. After 4 days, I would say...yes and no. I think the course taught me a lot of practical movements I can and should incorporate into my workout routine, but I can't see myself making Crossfit my primary exercise program. It doesn't give me the same high as a kickass yoga class gives me. To me, being able to lift 66% my weight is not as important as realizing my body is progressively moving toward being able to do a headstand because I've become stronger in and out. I think for me...Crossfit is missing that self-awareness, spiritual, self-loving element that makes me so addicted to yoga. I will say it is pretty fun watching a class of 20 people move around doing crazy sets to blood-pumping music though. Working out to Kaskade never looked so fun.

2. Things Going on With my Mind
I started subscribing to Motley Fool podcasts because I've been trying to learn more about smart investing. The other day I bought some stock for a health industry company and have since been following it closely. As a novice investor, I care very much about my 14 shares. It's especially exciting because it's been performing very well these past few days. Of course I still have so much to learn about investing, but I find it interesting and enjoy doing the research on my own. It gives me an opportunity to do more creative things with my money, as well as learn about what's happening to the economy on a macro level.

I'm dead set on my next blog entry being about a topic other than myself and my mundane life. I've noticed most of my recent entries are all about me, which in my case, is a sign of laziness. I only really make short blog entries about myself when I'm too tired to think about the larger, more interesting issues I have an opinion about. There's this list I've put on a Mac sticky note with topics I've wanted to get to, but haven't had a chance to really sit down and focus on it. At quick glance, they are:

• Prop 8
• Saving the world (?)
• Brazil vs. China
• Old people
• Why do people review chain stores on Yelp?
• Credit unions in Turkey as a response to the global financial crisis

Ok, this list is kind of old. It's like those places I bookmark on Yelp to review but never get around to...and then I forget what I wanted to say about the topic.

I made a new blog. LOLS. I know, ironic considering my previous point. It's like, I can barely maintain this blog, and I'm starting a new one?? But check it out, hopefully this one doesn't require the same level of maintenance. I don't anticipate that being the case. => http://onceadaykeepsthedoctoraway.blogspot.com/

It's St. Patrick's Day! I thought I would give an obligatory acknowledgement to one of the biggest holidays Americans unabashedly use as an excuse to get their draaaaaank on. Everyone who has Irish roots suddenly becomes a lot prouder of their heritage this time of year...

It Stirs the Emotions and Floods the Mind

Everyone's had that experience where smelling something or hearing a song immediately takes them back to a given moment in their lives. Tonight I was ironing and I caught a whiff of the scent that's given off when you put iron to cloth. That smell...took me back to my apartment in Shanghai in 2010. I was reminded of our cheap China-made iron that broke after a few uses. And then my thoughts just began rolling and drowning in Lanzhou noodles, bus trips to the mall, rainy summers, bag and badge checks every time I entered my apartment grounds, watermelon that broke cleanly in half with a slight knife cut, and bad coffee in nice coffeeshops.

It's the same way when I hear a song. Amazing how a melody and some lyrics can set you off. Repeat by David Guetta and Jessie J. Played it on repeat when I was trying to get over someone. Dancing All Night Long by Michelle Martinez. Summer clubbing nights. Any Johannes Linstead song reminds me of summer evening walks in my neighborhood. And then I can remember the jasmine aroma that wafted from the trees into the air and reached my nose. Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine. Twirling my little Nina around with her paws while she stared at me with a bewildered expression. Goodnight and Go by Imogen Heap. Commutes to and from USC while living at home. I'm swimming in a sea of nostalgia right now that only holds meaning to me...

First Impressions

I was having a conversation with my roommate tonight and we got to the topic of what she initially thought of me when she met me for the first time. I can't remember her exact wording, but to paraphrase she said..."It's not that I didn't like you, and it's not that you were snooty, but you just came across as being very smart and somewhat arrogant. It was only later on when I got to know you better that I realized it's that you're just smart, and I mistook that as being arrogant..."

Well, something like that.

I wasn't offended by it. I was actually quite flattered, and it was interesting to hear. It's rare you'll ever get such honest feedback from someone, and so it did make me think about how I come off to people. I try to be self-reflective about things such as how the way I say something will be taken by someone else, or if certain actions I do will make someone think about me in a way I don't intend. It's not like I purposefully try to be high and mighty when I first meet someone, but I could see my roommate's point of view that I would give off that vibe. I don't care so much that that might be the first impression I give people, but I'm just wondering how many people I've rubbed the wrong way or turned off because that's what they thought of me. I guess those people's opinions shouldn't matter to me because if I only met them once, then who cares if I come off as cold-shouldered and arrogant? But I guess I always thought I was a hard person to read when someone first met me, because I wouldn't come off as particularly aggressive or timid or anything on one end of two extremes. I thought I was neutral. I thought I just was. Boring, even.

Anyway, I suppose the bottom line is that I would rather give off such a first impression as opposed to anything else. In my mind, arrogance is close to confidence, and so if I can exude anything close to confidence--which in my opinion is pretty hard to do--then I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing if people think I'm an ice queen. The people who matter will eventually see through that veneer anyway, and the people who don't...well, they don't matter. Thanks Dr Seuss!

Really?

If you always see relationships as only possessing utilitarian value and nothing more, I don't think you can ever have a meaningful relationship with anyone.

I might not always be what you want me to be, but my friendship is unconditional as long as you want it.

Cloud 9

I'm going to be on a natural high for the next week.

Almost Full Bloom

=)

Ta da! Beautiful white. They're gorgeous.

In Bloom

I wonder what color they'll be. Can't wait to find out! Hm, wonder how the ones at home are doing...eek.

New New Year's Resolution

I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.
I will not touch, scratch, or pick at my face so that my skin can have a chance to heal.

Why Does Driving in Norcal Piss Me Off So Much?

Today I almost got hit by an idiot driver who changed lanes into me. The adrenaline pumped fast as I saw this old white Camry veering into me, and the blood in me boiled after I realized I had swerved to avoid hitting him. I glared at him as he and his companions looked back at me before cutting in front of me and moving into the next lane. This incident has been the catalyst in me posting this entry about why Norcal drivers suck so so so much. And I am not being an LA bitch. LA is known for having shoot-me-in-the-head traffic, but to me it's still more tolerable than driving in Norcal.

1. Speeding up when there are cars in front and then braking suddenly. Norcal drivers, do you get your brakes checked often? Because the way you're driving, you probably wear them out pretty fast. What's the point of speeding up only to have to stop all of a sudden? Then you make me have to do the same thing. Rolling stops are nice. Try it sometime!

2. Leaving a 300 foot gap with the car in front during rush hour. O.M.G. Everyone's going at 20, and you're so far back from the driver in front of you 5 cars can fit! OMG!!!! I want to punch you!

3. Mindlessly changing lanes way too close to the driver behind. Mindlessly pulling out of the parking lot and cutting me off. If I have to brake for you to get in front of me, you are TOO CLOSE.

4. Not understanding what a 4-way stop means. I got here first!! Hi, hello, see me? No, you don't, because you are now driving across the intersection...

5. Going 70 in the left hand lane. Who do you think you are, motherfreaking Queen Victoria? You own the fast lane? You're royalty so you can go as slow as you want and people have to change lanes to get in front of you? No. Move over please.

6. Just driving way too slow in general. I know Norcalers are not as rude and uptight and prickly as us Socalers (aren't we just lovable), but a little less chill and a bit more zoom zoom on the road would be nice. Chop chop, come on. Sitting in my car for longer than I have to is not a hobby of mine.

7. Pulling off shit like not looking at your blind spot and changing lanes into an angry Asian girl in a small car. Don't do this. She will become a hater and put you on her bad karma list. Trust me, I know.

When I listen to the radio, there's always an accident, somewhere, sometime. 2 car crash. 3 car crash. Blocking the right shoulder. Blocking the left lane. Stop braking so suddenly or changing lanes into other people and maybe there won't be so many accidents! Gees!

I have to get up in 7 hours to face this terror, so end rant here.

I Live in This Country?

Today is, more so than not to most people, the continuation of a well-appreciated 3 day weekend. (I did not get today off, in case you were wondering) But what I am wondering is, how many people take a moment to remember and reflect on the man who brought about this holiday? I don't, really. Not in the past. The only reason I did today was due to a Fresh Air piece interviewing Michelle Alexander about her most recent book, which now is next on my list of things to read. In short, she brings forth the idea that the contemporary American incarceration system and its so-called "War On Drugs" campaign is but a redesign of the despicable Jim Crow Laws that existed before the Civil Rights era. Bold argument right? She made sense. Disturbingly and unfortunately enough, what she had to say made complete sense.

Listening to her made me think about why we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr with a national holiday in our time. Do we, as Americans, think we've made leaps and bounds in terms of achieving racial equality? The breakthroughs that occurred during the Civil Rights era were, no doubt, a big step towards gaining equality in the US. But on the other hand, it also merely made explicit racial discrimination illegal while bringing forth new and disguised ways to continue racially discriminatory practices and keep in place a system that has severely disenfranchised African Americans since they were brought here on a boat centuries ago. What's the meaning behind this holiday, then? Why erect a monument honoring Dr King in our nation's capitol? It's almost like saying, well...we haven't achieved your dream yet, and we don't know when we will, or if we ever will, but for the sake of formality we'll put you next to these other monuments representing people and historical events dotting our kids' history textbooks. Just because it seems like the natural thing to do. Not to undermine or belittle the progress that has been made--because we have come a long way--but I think oftentimes we are caught in the misguided hubris of progress. Just because restaurants no longer put up signs prohibiting 'coloreds' means we've made progress? Progress is not progress when a disproportionate number of members from the same racial group continue to be entrapped in a system that allows no way out of a life of drugs, crime, and violence. And apparently, there is no way to move forward when there are idiots like this barring the road.

Don't Waste Time. It's the Most Precious Thing You Have.

I need to stop procrastinating. Yes, even as I have no schoolwork or work-work, I still find ways to put off doing things I should be doing. There are always things I should be doing. Maybe if I list them here every time I visit my blog it can serve as an explicit reminder that I should be doing these things instead of dillydallying around my blog. PUBLIC SHAMING.


Research investment funds and stocks.
Write to Max.
Update LinkedIn profile.
Read some good books.
Plan a trip. Napa? Europe? China?
Blog about topics that matter.
Upload pictures onto Picasa.
Visit my old babysitter.
Download music.
Buy a birthday card.

everyman, I know you'll read this eventually. Sheng ri kuai le!

Bodum Brazil Original French Press

This was delivered today. All I can say is...yayayayayayayayayayay!

Eating Alone

Table for one, please.

Is it weird to like eating alone? I love it. I mean, I wouldn't do it all the time and I'm not anti-social, but there's something about enjoying a meal by yourself that is kind of satisfying. You don't have to hold back. There are no social conventions to follow. If I'm sitting in a restaurant, I can people-watch while I eat. I like trying to deduce what people's body language says, how they feel about the person or people they're eating with and how they feel in that specific environment at that particular moment. Sometimes I wonder if people see me and wonder why that girl is sitting there eating alone. I like having a book or something to read while I'm eating--I can never really just sit and eat without doing anything else. Sometimes the book is better entertainment than a live human. I guess I don't really miss the companionship of anyone while I'm eating because I prefer not to talk when I'm eating anyway. Other peculiar habits while I'm eating by myself at home: standing while eating, doing dishes while eating, walking back and forth while eating...

Weird? Not weird? I personally don't think so.

All the Scars and Acne My Face Can Hold

Skin is disastrous. Must make appointment for facial soon.

So Far So Good

=)

I'm so happy right now. Teehee. Welcome 2012!

The world is bigger than your problems. This is my personal theme for this year. I need to write it on a post-it and stick it on my forehead. Must stop daydreaming and get down to business!