Ew

Omg I am such a horrible person. Why am I such a petty bitch?

I hate myself ughhhhhhhhhh

Conflict

Have you ever been to an animal shelter? If you have any place in your heart for dogs (and even cats), it's a jarring experience. The smell, the pairs of eyes behind wired pens--pleading, imploring, hostile, hurt, desperate, confused--the whines, the barks. I almost wish they would be euthanized soon so they don't have to go through crests and troughs of hope when a human walks by, thinking this might be the one to save them, that they might be adopted and be able to leave this hellhole, only to be disappointed because they are deemed too big, too furry, too ugly, too old, too whatever else that makes them unattractive, to be adopted.

I hate that place. I only went there a few times with my mom in the hopes that we might be able to rescue one. Nina might not have died so much in vain if the reason was to save another canine's life.

Ugh. Now I'm disgusted with what I'm doing. I'm looking through listings of purebred miniature pinschers because my dad can't find a pet at the shelter that satisfies all his requirements. I don't understand his fixation on finding a doppelganger Nina. Does he really like min pins? Or he really liked Nina and misses her so much he's pinning his fondness for her on one who can replace her and fill the missing pet gap? There are so many poor strays at the shelter who are going to be euthanized in days' time and we're looking for purebred min pins online that cost hundreds of dollars.

Sigh.

Relationship SOS

Where do I begin?

My relationship with my parents is under strain. I am going to try very hard to discuss this in a way that doesn't place the blame on either side, because at its core, I think this is a communication issue.

I was ready to head out to my weekly boba sessions with Henry and Robert tonight when my mom asked me where I was going. I don't know why she asks. Whenever I go out it's usually with the few friends I have. It's not like I have a million different friends I need to entertain every time. I had a few minutes to spare so I sat down on the couch to chat with her. By this point I could tell she was visibly upset and I know it was because she thought I went out too much.

She went on about how she thought I was not being understanding towards her and my dad. She was very sad that I chose to prioritize my friends over them. She thought that whenever I offered to help in the kitchen it was a disingenuous move because I felt forced to do it. She said I never tell her anything, that ever since I moved out I've become more distant and secretive. I am not a good child, I think my parents are wood blocks that I'd rather not waste my breath with, I'm inconsiderate about how lonely my dad is. That I don't know how much she loves me because I don't know how hard she works for us. There was more stuff but I don't remember.

My initial thought was, well, if every time I sit down and this is the type of conversation you have with me, it's no wonder I'd rather not spend time at home. But that's a cop out way of thinking about it.

I don't know why I'm so upset about it. Because she stopped me from going out? I hate it when people try to tell me what to do or control my actions. That's effectively what she did. That's been true ever since I was little. I have no problem not giving a shit about what other people say to or about me, because they don't matter. But when my mom or dad criticize me, it bothers me like nothing else ever can.

Because I think everything she said wasn't true? That's why it made me react so sensitively? I can't think of any other people in the world I would take a bullet for except my family. That's probably why when she said I didn't consider them a priority, I felt like a gross injustice had been committed. I don't offer to help because I felt forced to do it. I do it because I want to. I feel bad when I sit at my computer looking for work or Facebooking or checking email or chatting with my friends, which is why when I gain the consciousness to know I should be helping my parents with whatever they're doing, I wouldn't believe my mom would actually think I am being insincere about it.

Or maybe because she also has a point. Who knows where I will be geographically these next few years? I might be away for a long time, during the years my parents get older and older. Inevitably, one day I will be the one to take care of them and the relationship can't be like it was before, equal. One will be the responsibility of the other. The question is, how much time do I have before that happens?

I'm trying to live my life the way it should be if I were living on my own. She's right, in a sense. I've become more "distant" and "secretive" because this is part of a lifestyle I've gotten used to having. Come and go as I please. I never felt comfortable telling my parents everything, why would I start now? My parents are not going to be around much longer if we're talking the next 20, 30 years, but my friends are not going to be the same for much longer if we're talking about the next 5, even 2 years. It also drives me crazy that I'm home for much of the daytime, so the nighttime is really the only opportunity I have to get away from the house. The reason I go out is because I'm not doing anything at home. I'm definitely not talking to my parents. It doesn't make sense to me. When am I supposed to be talking to them? While my dad's eyes are glued to the TV? While my mom is meditating? Should I just be sitting on the couch doing nothing, readily available for them to talk to me? And then, what would we be talking about? About the fact that I don't have a job? About whether or not I've been applying for work? (And the answer is always yes, I don't know why it would change from one day to the next.) About why I didn't decide to become a pharmacist so I could make six figures? About why I don't sit up straight, or why my skin is so bad? These are all topics I know my parents are concerned about. I just don't care much for repeating them conversation after conversation.

How do other old married couples do it? They probably have kids who are super filial and are always by their side, but I'm sure there are also those who have kids living hundreds, thousands of miles away and can't see them every day. There are even couples whose kids live in the same city and never see each other. How do they deal with it? Maybe because they have each other. My parents don't exactly have the best relationship with each other, so that's not an option. Maybe they have other friends they can talk to. My parents don't exactly have that either. Or maybe these couples who don't see their children really are lonely, missing their children, but there's nothing they can do about it. Maybe my mom guilt tripping me tonight was a desperate attempt to make me see the agony I am causing my parents.

What I really feel is a mixture of guilt and resentment, because I know I haven't been the best child I could be, but also because I feel unjustified. So now, there's this experiment I'm going to try. For the next two weeks, I'm not going out. Not to dinner, not to socialize, nothing in the evening time when my parents are home. As much as it pains me, since I actually like seeing and talking to my friends. I'll go out to run, and to yoga. I can't sacrifice my physical well-being. If our parent-child relationship gets better, my mom's probably right. If it stays the same...then, I don't know. Maybe I'll have proven my point then, whatever it is.

Our relationship is not going to get much better in these next few hours because I am sitting in my room typing away and my mom is ironing while watching TV. Status quo continues.

A Disappointing Discovery

Context negligible, yesterday I was asked what the accomplishment I was most proud of to date was. I sat there, frozen, for a while. My mind went and stayed completely blank. I finally passed off a lame answer of being on the executive committee of my college co-ed fraternity and being in charge of 60 recruits for 10 weeks.

There has GOT to be something in my life I'm most proud of...what could it be? Blah.

Start Waking up at 9 AM

This morning Nina laid another poo in the house. For some reason, my mom went batshit crazy when she saw it. Her yelling woke me up and I ran out to see her aiming a fly swatter at our poor dog, who was emitting high-pitched whines in the corner of the kitchen.

I think my mom's been in a more irritated mood recently because she hasn't been able to find work. She's been at home studying for her GED and doing housework for about...6 months now. I've been free for about 3 days and I feel restless. The other realization I had has to do with my whole journey of self-reflection and finding ways I can be a better person. My mom brought Nina home because I had said I wanted a dog when I got back from China. Well, now she's here (not that I chose her, but I'm not complaining), and the person most responsible for training her would be me. Instead, I've dropped the ball. I was much more hard-working at the beginning, taking her out when I thought she needed to go, for example. I guess because I saw raising Nina as a family effort, so I thought I wouldn't have to walk her every day, potty train her, and clean her. Between my mom's screaming this morning and taking a walk with Nina to get away from her rage, I realized I am going to have to be more vigilant and consistent when it comes to training my pet. A dog can't be disciplined unless their owner is too.

On a brighter note, I feel like a kid who's been let out for summer vacation, even if it's just for a few days. I've picked up the guitar again. I learned how to play Ode to Joy last night. I've started reading things I've wanted to for a while but had to put off. I've had more time to exercise (BIG yay). I've also been revisiting good old Asian dramas. Never fails to be time-consuming. At the same time this would be the best time to get rid of my panda eyes, so staying up until 3 AM and crying my eyes out probably would not help...

Beyond Food, Water, and Oxygen

What We Really Need « Thought Catalog

I heard today that all animals need social inclusion, or else they will die. We are no exception.

Me and the Kitchen

Err...I have a little embarrassing confession to make about myself, so quick post before I begin my night reading. I had a great, great meal with friends tonight. The company was awesome, but the part that really amazed me was how yummy the meal was. We had Thai green curry with chicken, eggplant, and bamboo shoots, a Chinese broccoli and mushroom dish, and ground pork sauteed with chili peppers. Everything was perfectly flavored. In my mind, I couldn't get over how tender the chicken was. And it was home cooked.

By a guy.

In my life, I think I am incredibly blessed with males who can cook really well. There's my dad, who used to be a professional chef. My ex-boyfriends were culinary talents. A good number of my guy friends range from being decent to amazing cooks. So I'm really lucky because sometimes I'll reap the benefits of being able to eat whatever they make. And then, it makes me realize how incompetent I am. Out of a combination of not living on my own enough and having enough time to improve my cooking skills, plus I guess just being impressively horrible naturally, I can't cook to save my life. [Refer to my cooking fiasco in a previous post.] And being surrounded by guys who are such good cooks highlight my sense of inferiority. In no way do I think that because I am female that I should be a good cook, but it's a skill I feel is necessary to have for many reasons.

The problem is, I don't know if there's hope for me. Based on past experience, it's going to take a lot of learning and patience...-_____-