Reset Button

It took a 2.5 week vacation to Greece and Turkey for me to visit the good old blog again. Santorini was as beautiful as I'd imagined it to be. Istanbul indeed was a very interesting and unique city. I met many friendly and helpful people along the way.

For a long time I had wanted to visit and I finally got around to doing it. It took time away from life for me to recalibrate and remind myself that work is not the center of my universe. I definitely try to tell myself that constantly, but I had to physically remove myself from it for the message to stick. I'll try to be as mindful as I can for as long as possible. When I lose my ground I'll know it's time to go on another vacation.

Tonight, my boyfriend was talking with me about his 5-10 year plan. It's not really relevant as to what his plan and goals are. I especially remembered he said it's not that he wants to compare himself to his peers, but many of them are doing things that make them happy while fulfilling their means. He wants to get there (for good reason). When he said that I thought, wow, even at his age people are still trying to figure out their strengths and passions in life. At my age it's about who can be more successful. Then it's about who can make more money. At his stage of life it's about who can be happier. The comparisons never seem to cease. The question is, without relative comparisons, is it possible to validate that you are successful, rich, and happy?

I feel like I'm reaching a point in my life where I'm thinking critically about what will make me successful and happy. It would take a great leap of faith for me to pursue a life different than what I have now. But I don't want fulfillment only in what my job (or, to use a less pejorative term, career) is. Which means, I don't really know the answer to achieving the trifecta yet.

The Most Valuable

I haven't blogged in a long time, but something happened tonight that compelled me to write an entry.

My friend's young cousin passed away. He was in his early 20s and battling cancer.

I didn't know him, but his tragic death made me think about how fleeting human life is. No matter what stage of our lives we are at, our existence and consciousness are vulnerable. They can be robbed of us in a matter of seconds. I wonder how my friend's cousin felt during the final days of his life. Was he angry? Was he scared? I know how I would feel. If life were something tangible, I would grip it with all my might and squeeze it so hard it may seem to become intertwined and undifferentiable between my essence and itself. I would be so afraid to lose consciousness, the ability to connect with my family, my friends, breathe air, see colors, hear sounds, taste food, have the energy to do everything I planned for myself in anticipation of what I believed was years and years of opportunity.

This event reminded me of all the Janet Liangs in the world. My heart rushed to tell everyone in my world I loved them, I appreciated them, I was grateful for them, I always wanted to protect them, and I cared more about their safety than anything else. Lest consciousness leave me before I had a chance to convey all of this to all my loved ones, I felt the utmost desperation to make sure everyone knew what I was thinking. Because no one knows what happens to you when you leave this world. No one can send a message for you, even if it is the most meaningful one in the universe. No one would ever know.

Let people know. Make people know.

I hope that the Janets in the world can have a precious extension on their time in this world, so that they may lead and teach others how to cherish their own lives. 

If you're reading this right now that message was intended for you. You should think about doing this: each day, dedicate time, even if only for a few minutes, doing something that you find genuine enjoyment and happiness from. I've told myself that I am going to start doing this. I will not squander this gift I consider the most valuable, because I don't know at what moment it will be taken from me.

Why Do You Want Kids?

Is it ok to not have a remote desire to have children? It's not like I'm thinking about this because I'm debating right now in my life whether or not I want to have kids. Lately it's been on my mind quite a bit, more on a philosophical level than anything. I have this acquaintance I went to grad school with who's on my Gchat, who besides is so left leaning she makes me look conservative, posts rants in her status about the immorality of having children. I don't necessarily think it's unethical or immoral. Having children, in my opinion, is a natural right to any living being. It's unethical and immoral when people who are unfit to be parents do have children and burden not only their children's lives, but society at large. This phenomenon of giving so little thought to having children caused me, in turn, to think about why that is. That is, why do people give so little thought to having children and so much credit to it being the next natural stage in life? Is it assumed at some point in your life, you will want to be a mother? A father? What if there are people who never feel that desire? Scratch the 'what if', there are people like that, as evidenced by the comments in this article. I guess the question should be, why is the choice to not have children stigmatized or seen as deviating from the norm? Is having children really the norm? I don't push people who give good reasons to want to have kids. Even having the genuine desire to be a mother, a father, is a good enough reason to me. But I don't think everyone does have that desire. Why aren't we more critical when we ask ourselves, why do I want kids? Do I really want to participate in parenthood? Do I really love children? Or am I doing it because it's the "natural", unquestionable next stage in my life?

I asked myself those questions. At this point in my life, I couldn't find a justifiable answer to that question. To me, I have to find an answer that is bigger than me. Bigger than simply wanting to make a child with my lover, or have my genes carried on. What is parenthood about? At its core, isn't it about selflessly providing for, nurturing, giving the utmost care and love to another life on this planet? There are plenty of existing ones to choose from. Lives, that is. A full, breathing life, whether by chance or regret or whatever else it was, was brought into this world and needing this love, nurture, and selflessness much more than a visage of a life that at this point, is characterized by a sperm and an egg in two people's bodies. Adoption.

This passage really spoke to me when I read it in aforementioned article.

"...no one ever said to me, "Thank you. Thank you for giving the biggest possible gift to the planet by not having a child—bigger than any other act— not owning a car or not flying." No one ever gives people without children any credit."

Hm. Maybe not having...is an ultimate act of selflessness. I sure do feel that way when I see a mom toting around a stroller and four toddlers, two of which are screaming and one is running around without their shoes on. That sounds arrogantly apoplectic, but I am unapologetic. I may sound utterly unlovable towards kids, but quite the contrary. I quite like kids. When I hold a baby, I feel this indescribable warmth in my heart that suddenly turns my body into a cocoon, a desire to protect that helpless thing I am carrying in my arms. So yes, I like kids. I just...haven't found a reason to want my own biological ones, neither on a hypothetical or fundamental level.

If I pass my "fertile" period as a female, aka 20-late 30s without having children, will I regret it? Though I haven't entirely passed through this period yet, I have to say, regret what? Regret not bringing another life into this world? Regret that there wouldn't be another little someone with a bit of me in it? I can't say I do...or would...

I can't say my perspective on this is definitive. Maybe one day, for whatever reason, my selfish desire to procreate will overcome my personal principle of not having children for the sake of having children. It would have to be a really stupendous, life altering reason...one that I have not an inkling of right now.

First Impressions

I was having a conversation with my roommate tonight and we got to the topic of what she initially thought of me when she met me for the first time. I can't remember her exact wording, but to paraphrase she said..."It's not that I didn't like you, and it's not that you were snooty, but you just came across as being very smart and somewhat arrogant. It was only later on when I got to know you better that I realized it's that you're just smart, and I mistook that as being arrogant..."

Well, something like that.

I wasn't offended by it. I was actually quite flattered, and it was interesting to hear. It's rare you'll ever get such honest feedback from someone, and so it did make me think about how I come off to people. I try to be self-reflective about things such as how the way I say something will be taken by someone else, or if certain actions I do will make someone think about me in a way I don't intend. It's not like I purposefully try to be high and mighty when I first meet someone, but I could see my roommate's point of view that I would give off that vibe. I don't care so much that that might be the first impression I give people, but I'm just wondering how many people I've rubbed the wrong way or turned off because that's what they thought of me. I guess those people's opinions shouldn't matter to me because if I only met them once, then who cares if I come off as cold-shouldered and arrogant? But I guess I always thought I was a hard person to read when someone first met me, because I wouldn't come off as particularly aggressive or timid or anything on one end of two extremes. I thought I was neutral. I thought I just was. Boring, even.

Anyway, I suppose the bottom line is that I would rather give off such a first impression as opposed to anything else. In my mind, arrogance is close to confidence, and so if I can exude anything close to confidence--which in my opinion is pretty hard to do--then I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing if people think I'm an ice queen. The people who matter will eventually see through that veneer anyway, and the people who don't...well, they don't matter. Thanks Dr Seuss!

Eating Alone

Table for one, please.

Is it weird to like eating alone? I love it. I mean, I wouldn't do it all the time and I'm not anti-social, but there's something about enjoying a meal by yourself that is kind of satisfying. You don't have to hold back. There are no social conventions to follow. If I'm sitting in a restaurant, I can people-watch while I eat. I like trying to deduce what people's body language says, how they feel about the person or people they're eating with and how they feel in that specific environment at that particular moment. Sometimes I wonder if people see me and wonder why that girl is sitting there eating alone. I like having a book or something to read while I'm eating--I can never really just sit and eat without doing anything else. Sometimes the book is better entertainment than a live human. I guess I don't really miss the companionship of anyone while I'm eating because I prefer not to talk when I'm eating anyway. Other peculiar habits while I'm eating by myself at home: standing while eating, doing dishes while eating, walking back and forth while eating...

Weird? Not weird? I personally don't think so.

你不知道的事

"The greatest paradox is that when you love so much it hurts, it doesn't hurt anymore."

Will I ever get there? I wish I could be more courageous.


This song automatically triggers my tear ducts.

Perpetual Vacation

Some people still think I'm in China. I suppose maybe I shouldn't have announced the news so quickly when I first thought I was going. =.=

Well, life has been how it is now for the past, hm, about 3 months now, so even thinking about moving next month seems a little unreal. Although I'm excited to start working I think I will miss a lot of things. Like, having an open schedule, and drinking a lot of boba with my friends, and having all this time to read and blog and write Yelp reviews, and just thinking about things like why the universe is always expanding. I'll also miss sleeping until 10 AM. At the same time I know I'm very much in my comfort zone right now, and I won't grow unless I'm put into spaces and places that challenge me.

My friend told me about this amazing HDR photo blog, Stuck in Customs by Trey Ratcliff, today. I don't know anything about photography, but I know a gorgeous picture when I see one. The only standard I have is whether looking at a picture makes me want to go to that place (in the case of scenic photography, which is my personal favorite). If it does, then to me it's a good picture.

Bay Area. Excellent!

Wowwwwww. Pre-IFC days.

LA will always be home <3

Crazy beautiful.

Spirituality, NOT to be Confused with Religiosity

You know that your spiritual IQ is climbing when you:

• Notice that you are less bothered by the ups and downs of your life. This is a good one. Trying.
• Remember to ask for grace and guidance from the higher powers at the heart of the universe, and to be open to receive it through surprising channels. Guidance from higher powers? What higher powers?
• Realize that you're happier and more peaceful when you stop trying to control every situation. Totally true. It reminds me of a Looney Tunes episode I watched as a kid when Porky Pig was upset that Bugs Bunny kept trying to straighten his tail. There are just some things you can't force. Goooo with the flowwwwww.
• Stop worrying about always having everyone's approval. This one is good too. It's especially hard for those who naturally try to be people-pleasers.
• Find it easier to forgive your parents, your ex-spouse, the coach who bullied you in high school, and yourself. Is it just me, or is it easier to forgive other people than it is to forgive yourself? Why are we so harsh on ourselves?
• Wake up some mornings feeling grateful for no good reason. I love it when this happens. It keeps me on a natural high for the entire day (plus a little caffeine).
• Treat your feelings of anger, jealousy, and blame as opportunities to work with your own mind. I don't think I'm good at this yet.
• Develop inner practices like meditation, prayer, mindful awareness, self-inquiry, and silent contemplation. Happens during yoga. And when I take walks under the stars listening to Mr Johannes. And sometimes while driving.
• Feel less fearful of situations and outcomes that used to scare you. See point 3.
• Experience feelings of equality, kinship, and concern for other people, animals, and the earth. Wow. This one's hard. People are naturally selfish. I don't mean selfish in the negative sense. I mean we think of the world and our situation with ourselves in the center. To have true empathy for others requires a radical shift in your thinking. Default mode is me me me. If you can develop a way of thinking that is more inclusive, I think you've achieved what David Foster Wallace considers freedom. This also totally reminds me of what my friend said when he talked about why he's an animal person. We all share this earth. People can band together and demand their rights and entitlements when they feel wronged, but animals can't. But animals are living beings too. The worth of their life has been severely diminished because humans are the ones who make all the rules. How do you blame a bear for attacking a human when it was the human who trespassed onto the bear's domain in the first place? We don't shoot other humans for stepping on our lawns (well, most of us don't).
• Are less afraid to speak the truth, and know how to do it gently. Not my strong suit.
  
• Finally, and above all, feel a growing connection to your own unshakable Essence, your inner Self or Buddha nature. Buddha nature? I'm all for spirituality, but that sounds a little whacky. Maybe I'll just stick to finding my true inner self for now.

Seeking consistent and unwavering internal peace is definitely a work in progress, but that's the beauty of the activity. The wheels are always in motion. Inspiration can also come from places you expect it least.

Hope for the Best. Expect the Worst.

Learning to let go is one of the hardest things to do, especially when you know you've done everything in your power to try to make things go the way you want them to. I think people have such a hard time letting go because everything after that becomes uncertain. Will it turn out ok? Or badly? When it comes to this part, I think of something a good friend said to me once: ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen? To me, the worst thing that can happen in any situation is that I will die. Hahaha. Ok, I know that is a low bar to set, but it does put into context whatever "problem" I am preoccupied with at the moment. Should I be worried to this extent, wasting this much time and energy thinking about it? If the answer is no, it means I need to rationally devise a course of action to either let go or prepare to do so.

And then what happens after that? I then think of a quote my yoga instructor told us recently.

[Paraphrasing] Hope is not praying that everything will turn out ok (which is religion <==this is my own two cents =X), but having the certainty to know that it will all make sense.

The Problem I Have with Social Conservatives and Religion

"Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous, treasonous in my opinion." --Rick Perry referring to Ben Bernanke, on a campaign stop in Iowa

Ok, Mr Perry, don't you think you're being a little melodramatic here? Before you go painting people as unpatriotic infidels, maybe you should think about the fact that there are a good number of Americans who don't believe in the same things you do.

The rise of Christian social conservatives representing the GOP disturbs me. Just the other day I saw a Pew poll saying that the unity between fiscal and social conservatives is getting stronger, based on one common point alone--a deep dislike and distrust of government. Mitt Romney, a centrist Republican, even hailed the Tea Party recently. It's not that I don't like conservatives. When it comes to fiscal conservatives I can't agree with their economic opinions, but I don't have anything against them personally. Social conservatives, I have bigger beef with, because social issues like abortion, gay rights, etc etc are by nature emotional issues. You can't really argue that with data or figures, and those who try to are just being dumb and not convincing anyone. The other thing about super right social conservatives like Bachmann and Perry that I can't accept is their untrammeled application of religious, i.e. Christian, beliefs on politics and governance. As an atheist and a liberal, I can't find a single thing in common with them. And we're supposed to be living in the same country. I don't want someone who I have nothing in common with to be my President. I'm sure there are many, many Americans who feel the same way I do. Just looking at my circle of friends, my family, the people I know, I don't think they would support a presidential candidate with those beliefs. And I know I live in LA, a bubble for liberals. I think if you polled even a Republican from the Carolinas they would not support someone so extreme. Well, if either of them secure the GOP nomination I'll just shake my head and make sure I vote in November. There is NO WAY (knock on wood) that they will make it to the White House. There just isn't. They don't have enough in common with voters like me, and they don't seem like they'll be able to temper themselves to appeal to a broader mass. Anyway...

Not to be too philosophical, but I wonder why people even question whether it's possible for morality to exist without the "guidance" of religion. I totally believe it. I am a living example. I have my own moral compass that evolved and stuck with me free of any religious beliefs. I know not to harm another person, not because the Bible says so, but because to me it's just wrong. I don't need religion to tell me to do good, to be honest, to be righteous. Other people who do good deeds inspire me. My parents inspire me. To be totally, brutally honest, if you're someone who needs religion to tell you what the "right" thing to do is, that is a weak conviction. If you know to do good because of some internal, even unexplained, source your compass will waver much less.

And that is what I really believe, served straight up. No frills, booyah!

David Foster Wallace on Life and Work

"But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of winning and achieving and displaying. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default-setting, the "rat race" -- the constant gnawing sense of having had and lost some infinite thing."--David Foster Wallace, "On Life and Work," Wall Street Journal

Imagine a world where everyone lived for the sole purpose of someone else. At what point did the human population reach a tipping point where it became a struggle to see the world from a more human-centric perspective? Must have been when we settled down and decided to become farmers.

RIP Mr Wallace. If you were alive, I would ask you, Freedom, perhaps, but whose idea of freedom besides your own? Is freedom, in the sense of DFW, meaningful and worth striving for if everyone else is too shackled to realize that is what true liberation is? What does it matter if you are the sole fish who knows you are swimming in water and the other fish don't care?

I guess that was 3 questions.

Random Thought

I was browsing Facebook and came across the profile of a very physically attractive person on my news feed. It made me wonder what it feels like to be so attractive to the point where 99% of the human population is less good-looking than you. Some people are so good looking I wonder if they can ever find a mate that makes them happy. Would two incredibly good looking people be with each other just because they can't possibly be with anyone else who is not at their level? Can they see past physical appearance and learn to be with someone who is less beautiful than them?

Pensieve Entry

So much has been on my mind lately. I've just had a lot more time alone to think about things, between making formatting revisions on my thesis, looking at jobs, and part-time tutoring. This post will be random because I literally am pouring out everything that's stored in my head.

It's been a little over a week since Nina was put to sleep. So far there hasn't been a day where I don't think about her. The first few days, I couldn't stop crying. Any little memory I had that came up in my mind of her would trigger an overwhelming flow of emotion. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Regret. I couldn't really separate them; they just all sort of emerged together and tangled me up into an emotional mess. The final moments of her life just kept replaying in my head. I couldn't get away from them, the images of her struggling to breathe while I was rushing her to the clinic, the spilled blood everywhere. I honestly could say this has been the worst form of emotional pain I've been through. My heart just ached.
I will never stop missing her. All I have left of her now is her dog tag and a paw print I preserved in clay. I think that's enough tangible memory for me though. There was something bittersweet I found in the quote, "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure." My memories of Nina are gold.

It seems like my career and relocation plans are facing some challenges. At first when I found out how long the entire process would take, I was really frustrated. Frustrated that it wasn't going smoothly and as how I intended. But after I took some time to think about it, I felt that it was maybe a blessing in disguise. Being here at home longer means I get to spend more precious time with family and friends, relax for a while longer before I become crazy busy again, and just reflect on myself and my life during much appreciated moments of being alone. I do believe all big events in our lives happen for a reason. It's been demonstrated to me time and time again in my own life. Whatever happens these next few months or weeks, I'll go with the flow. It seems to have worked relatively well in the past.

I think my parents are beginning to worry that I don't have a boyfriend or a potential inkling of one. I don't really know what to tell them. Sometimes, I don't really even know what to tell myself. I think I really screw things up for myself. I do believe it's true that it's not hard to be happy. I just have to open my heart to people who are willing to open theirs for me. And there have been windows of opportunity. I find myself really, really wanting to give everything I can offer to someone, emotionally, time-wise, commitment-wise (though I definitely don't mean that in a super-serious, ball-and-chain way), because I think I've reached that point where I'm able to again. But instead, I complicate things for myself by staying fixated on the people, the person, I can't and shouldn't be thinking about. I tell myself not to think about it. It works for a while, because I convince myself differently each time.
You're not really feeling what you're feeling.
That's not what you should be feeling.
Don't take things seriously.
It would never work.
I feel like I'm just fighting myself to no avail. It's like Lindsey Lohan in rehab. Relapse is inevitable. Rargh! In a way, that's also why I'm so eager to go to Beijing. I know it's silly to run away from your issues (in this case, literally), but at least it means I'll have a fresh start, be distanced from this internal struggle I've been having for a while now. In Beijing, I will grow. I will mature. I will find someone who is right for me. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

It actually felt super good to get that out. Girls are stupid huh? Well, we're entitled ;)

ANYWAY, onto a lighter subject near and dear to my heart. I love the warm weather. I forgot how lovely summer in LA can be, especially since I usually take advantage of time off from school to travel and do school-related stuff (as sparingly as possible) during these months. It's especially gorgeous at night. I went for a run tonight and I literally felt like I could just run, and run, and run. I didn't feel tired at all. The breeze on my face felt so calming, and my mind was just blank. I simply was.
Later on I was lying down on the grass, looking up at the sky and listening to Johannes Linstead on my iPod. By the way, he is the reason I have discovered a deep attraction to new age flamenco. Check him out; he is awesome and amazingly talented. Anyway, the sky was especially clear tonight. Or maybe I just don't usually notice it. I could see so many stars, and the moon was just hanging out to my right. I felt true tranquility at that moment. The feeling was incredibly peaceful. No rush, no anxiousness, no negativity. I could have lay there forever, because everything just seemed so simple. And I think I fell in love with the simplicity.

Start Waking up at 9 AM

This morning Nina laid another poo in the house. For some reason, my mom went batshit crazy when she saw it. Her yelling woke me up and I ran out to see her aiming a fly swatter at our poor dog, who was emitting high-pitched whines in the corner of the kitchen.

I think my mom's been in a more irritated mood recently because she hasn't been able to find work. She's been at home studying for her GED and doing housework for about...6 months now. I've been free for about 3 days and I feel restless. The other realization I had has to do with my whole journey of self-reflection and finding ways I can be a better person. My mom brought Nina home because I had said I wanted a dog when I got back from China. Well, now she's here (not that I chose her, but I'm not complaining), and the person most responsible for training her would be me. Instead, I've dropped the ball. I was much more hard-working at the beginning, taking her out when I thought she needed to go, for example. I guess because I saw raising Nina as a family effort, so I thought I wouldn't have to walk her every day, potty train her, and clean her. Between my mom's screaming this morning and taking a walk with Nina to get away from her rage, I realized I am going to have to be more vigilant and consistent when it comes to training my pet. A dog can't be disciplined unless their owner is too.

On a brighter note, I feel like a kid who's been let out for summer vacation, even if it's just for a few days. I've picked up the guitar again. I learned how to play Ode to Joy last night. I've started reading things I've wanted to for a while but had to put off. I've had more time to exercise (BIG yay). I've also been revisiting good old Asian dramas. Never fails to be time-consuming. At the same time this would be the best time to get rid of my panda eyes, so staying up until 3 AM and crying my eyes out probably would not help...

Self-Infliction and Something to Smile About

You know how when you go into an interview and one of the golden standards in terms of questions that are thrown at you include, What would you consider to be your biggest weakness? I can think of many for myself. I should write down a list of my flaws and tape it in front of me, so every time I sit at my desk typing I can glance up and remind myself to be more open-minded, not over-think things, not be lazy, not dither, not waste time, to follow through on self-made commitments, and not mindlessly touch my face when I think (because that causes acne).

I went to my sister's graduation this weekend. It was surreal to watch her walk across that stage and take a pseudo-diploma while shaking the hand of the department chair. She's gone from the little crying sister I used to bully all the time to a strong, independent, wildly smart, creative, beautiful, confident character.

I'm so proud.

Beyond Food, Water, and Oxygen

What We Really Need « Thought Catalog

I heard today that all animals need social inclusion, or else they will die. We are no exception.

The Seemingly Mundane, as my Yoga Instructor Says

Should I start taking multivitamins? It seems like a very 25-year-old thing to do, which I soon will be. I feel like the older I get, the more I appreciate my body and want to take care of it. I think it's an awareness I got from doing yoga. When I try seemingly impossible poses it makes me notice things about my body, because I'm staring at like, my toes. Or the veins in my hands. Or noticing my breathing. I'm really glad I have all that, and I want to hold onto it for as long as I can.

Funny, the things you used to take for granted when you were younger suddenly become much more important when you get older. And some of those things are right in front of you.

Thesis Interrupted

Today I was in the lot of Fresh and Easy when a man walked up to me and asked if he could clean my car windows for some small change. I gave him a dollar to do it. He had told me he could wait for me to come back to my car to start doing it, but I told him he could do it while I was in the store. Right after I uttered those words and walked away, I regretted it. I had left my backpack with my precious computer in it, in plain sight, in the front seat of my car. What if he was crooked and decided to break in? Ironically, I cared more about the computer than the car. (Measured in quality, my Macbook stores more of my life worth than my Yaris.) But I didn't want to show that I had considered him to be a breacher of trust, and told myself not to be so paranoid. I felt bad about myself for not giving people the benefit of the doubt. My parents, on the other hand, would never have let me forget about it if they had known.

He had the windows squeaky clean by the time I came out and I was curious to know how he had gotten into the position he had today, as I am with homeless people or other window-washers but are too timid to ask. So I asked him what his story was, and he told me he had run into trouble with drugs in Chicago, been locked up, and after being released made his way to California, where he was scraping by to make ends meet, living in shelters, people's couches, and on the street. He said he cleaned windows because in life, no one gives you a handout. He was trying his best to offer something to the world in exchange for his existence. I gave him another dollar.

This made me think about a few things. The first is that society truly is unforgiving. You mess up in life a few times, make a few bad decisions, and it has the very likely potential of condemning you for the rest of your years. Trouble with the law, rap sheet, and employers will not hire you. Former criminals are branded with suspicion and mistrust by people like me. The stigma will never go away, even if one is genuine about reform.
The second thing was a jolting reminder about how rich I am. I have four walls and a roof over my head, a desk and a computer to write this blog entry, a car to get me to the places I want to go, and a bed to retire to when I'm feeling tired. I have a family who loves me unconditionally and friends who care about me. I can pay for yoga classes, shop for a nice outfit, grumble about 8 dollar parking because I have the ability to pay for it, increase my personal human capital by reading books and writing because I am literate, and think about what I want to eat for lunch because I can afford it. I live in a society where I will not be punished for what I think and argue simply because I am female, where I can take my everyday security for granted, and where I can choose how to spend my money because I have choices. Because of this I can preoccupy my time thinking about things that people fighting for survival would consider trivial and irrelevant. Because of this I am a million times richer than a majority of the world population.

Most of all I have the consciousness to appreciate the value of these things.

An Insightful Faith-Based Argument, Sendai

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-adam-jacobs/a-reasonable-argument-for_b_831185.html

Interesting argument by the rabbi. I usually tune myself out to faith-based arguments since they tend to make me not believe rather than believe, but this piece points to the teetering foundation of faith upon which science is based. We believe in the legitimacy of science not because it is grounded in concrete and naturalistic principles (which in many cases it is not, precisely because there is no foreseeable 'beginning' rooted in testable, prove-able conjectures), but because we believe in the value and superiority of a theoretical framework created by us, man, to explain the world around us. And in doing so, we have taken a leap of faith. Makes you think.

In either case, definitely a more convincing argument than Bill O'Reilly's.


God or not, we are at the mercy of Mother Nature. She may be the most powerful of all. And I'm praying she has mercy on Japan.

Tragedies like this make me wonder why humans bicker and fight with each other and are willing to take each other's lives for petty reasons. Because when a 40-foot tsunami wave washes away your life in a matter of seconds, nothing else fucking matters.

Are my Parents Jewish?

My work is going s l o w as heck. So I thought I'd prolong unproductivity by blogging on this topic that's been on my mind for a while. I finished reading Amy Chua's book about Tiger mothering recently and I was trying to think about whether my impressions of her ideas about parenting changed since reading the WSJ article.

I still think there's an oversimplification of "Chinese" versus "Western" style parenting in the book. Although Chua tries to justify it by saying that these parenting models are not exclusive to the ethnicity to which they are titled, the propositions underlying each side are still exaggerated.

For some reason the book focused overwhelmingly on Chua's and her children's experiences learning their respective musical instruments. I thought it was going to be a story about governance over all aspects of her children's lives, from academics to extracurricular activities, to their social circles and search for self-identity. If her daughter was only rebellious in this respect (extracurriculars) then Chua would have a much easier time demonstrating the alleged superiority of her parenting model (if she'd discussed their performance in other categories).

I think it is true that many Chinese parents push their kids to their limit, whether for better or for worse. My parents were pushers--no matter how much they deny it--when my sister and I were growing up. I didn't learn to play the piano growing up like Chua's kids did--my parents couldn't afford the lessons--but my mom and dad were strategic about what they invested in. Chinese classes were a huge, omnipresent force in my life until about age 16. They pushed. And pushed. No matter where we moved, we would always find a school to accommodate us. If my mom worked on Saturdays, we would have class on Sundays. If there were no Sunday classes available, my mom would drop us off early and pick us up during her lunch break. The medical clinic she worked at became my sister and my after-school center. In academics, they made sure we achieved a certain standard. Nagged. Constantly asked about grades. Asked if we needed tutoring. Questioned us on less-than-stellar grades. Expressed concern at subpar test results. And at high school graduation and university commencement, they were beaming.
I think more generally, my parents share an immigrant mentality with a very broad community--first generation immigrants to the US. I think Chua also points this out in her book. You come here without a dime in your pocket, work your way up through the lowest of the low rung of the economic ladder, finally establish a "middle-class" life for yourself and your family, and the last thing you want is for your children to potentially lose everything you've worked so hard to provide because they don't realize the hardships in attaining a comfortable life.

When I told my parents about this particular passage--

"Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. the reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children...By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. Jed [Chua's husband] actually has the opposite view. 'Children don't choose their parents,' he once said to me. 'They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids.'"--Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, p. 53

--they agreed with Chua's Jewish husband about his conception of a parent-child relationship. That was interesting, but I guess I shouldn't find it surprising. I don't think my parents have ever raised me or my siblings with the expectation that we will pay them back by taking care of them when they reach old age. I don't really know what they expect from us besides being able to independently take care of ourselves before they can't anymore.

Overall an entertaining read. She's a great storyteller and incredibly funny in some parts. I laughed out loud. The biggest value I got out of her book, I'd say, would be how amused I was reading about her particular experience, the trials and tribulations of raising biracial children in a society with such a rich set of socio-cultural values to choose from. I give her props for sticking to her guns and having conviction about doing what she thought was best for her children. And maybe even if I don't aspire to be a tiger mom, I can strive to be more disciplined in other roles I have.

On a totally unrelated note, my mom steamed fish (I wasn't sure which type) with pepper and cheese drizzled on top tonight. The broth was to die for. I wanted to drink it like soup. The fish melted in my mouth. Happiness is rushing home from class in anticipation of good home cooking.