Relationship SOS

Where do I begin?

My relationship with my parents is under strain. I am going to try very hard to discuss this in a way that doesn't place the blame on either side, because at its core, I think this is a communication issue.

I was ready to head out to my weekly boba sessions with Henry and Robert tonight when my mom asked me where I was going. I don't know why she asks. Whenever I go out it's usually with the few friends I have. It's not like I have a million different friends I need to entertain every time. I had a few minutes to spare so I sat down on the couch to chat with her. By this point I could tell she was visibly upset and I know it was because she thought I went out too much.

She went on about how she thought I was not being understanding towards her and my dad. She was very sad that I chose to prioritize my friends over them. She thought that whenever I offered to help in the kitchen it was a disingenuous move because I felt forced to do it. She said I never tell her anything, that ever since I moved out I've become more distant and secretive. I am not a good child, I think my parents are wood blocks that I'd rather not waste my breath with, I'm inconsiderate about how lonely my dad is. That I don't know how much she loves me because I don't know how hard she works for us. There was more stuff but I don't remember.

My initial thought was, well, if every time I sit down and this is the type of conversation you have with me, it's no wonder I'd rather not spend time at home. But that's a cop out way of thinking about it.

I don't know why I'm so upset about it. Because she stopped me from going out? I hate it when people try to tell me what to do or control my actions. That's effectively what she did. That's been true ever since I was little. I have no problem not giving a shit about what other people say to or about me, because they don't matter. But when my mom or dad criticize me, it bothers me like nothing else ever can.

Because I think everything she said wasn't true? That's why it made me react so sensitively? I can't think of any other people in the world I would take a bullet for except my family. That's probably why when she said I didn't consider them a priority, I felt like a gross injustice had been committed. I don't offer to help because I felt forced to do it. I do it because I want to. I feel bad when I sit at my computer looking for work or Facebooking or checking email or chatting with my friends, which is why when I gain the consciousness to know I should be helping my parents with whatever they're doing, I wouldn't believe my mom would actually think I am being insincere about it.

Or maybe because she also has a point. Who knows where I will be geographically these next few years? I might be away for a long time, during the years my parents get older and older. Inevitably, one day I will be the one to take care of them and the relationship can't be like it was before, equal. One will be the responsibility of the other. The question is, how much time do I have before that happens?

I'm trying to live my life the way it should be if I were living on my own. She's right, in a sense. I've become more "distant" and "secretive" because this is part of a lifestyle I've gotten used to having. Come and go as I please. I never felt comfortable telling my parents everything, why would I start now? My parents are not going to be around much longer if we're talking the next 20, 30 years, but my friends are not going to be the same for much longer if we're talking about the next 5, even 2 years. It also drives me crazy that I'm home for much of the daytime, so the nighttime is really the only opportunity I have to get away from the house. The reason I go out is because I'm not doing anything at home. I'm definitely not talking to my parents. It doesn't make sense to me. When am I supposed to be talking to them? While my dad's eyes are glued to the TV? While my mom is meditating? Should I just be sitting on the couch doing nothing, readily available for them to talk to me? And then, what would we be talking about? About the fact that I don't have a job? About whether or not I've been applying for work? (And the answer is always yes, I don't know why it would change from one day to the next.) About why I didn't decide to become a pharmacist so I could make six figures? About why I don't sit up straight, or why my skin is so bad? These are all topics I know my parents are concerned about. I just don't care much for repeating them conversation after conversation.

How do other old married couples do it? They probably have kids who are super filial and are always by their side, but I'm sure there are also those who have kids living hundreds, thousands of miles away and can't see them every day. There are even couples whose kids live in the same city and never see each other. How do they deal with it? Maybe because they have each other. My parents don't exactly have the best relationship with each other, so that's not an option. Maybe they have other friends they can talk to. My parents don't exactly have that either. Or maybe these couples who don't see their children really are lonely, missing their children, but there's nothing they can do about it. Maybe my mom guilt tripping me tonight was a desperate attempt to make me see the agony I am causing my parents.

What I really feel is a mixture of guilt and resentment, because I know I haven't been the best child I could be, but also because I feel unjustified. So now, there's this experiment I'm going to try. For the next two weeks, I'm not going out. Not to dinner, not to socialize, nothing in the evening time when my parents are home. As much as it pains me, since I actually like seeing and talking to my friends. I'll go out to run, and to yoga. I can't sacrifice my physical well-being. If our parent-child relationship gets better, my mom's probably right. If it stays the same...then, I don't know. Maybe I'll have proven my point then, whatever it is.

Our relationship is not going to get much better in these next few hours because I am sitting in my room typing away and my mom is ironing while watching TV. Status quo continues.

My Dad on the Debt Ceiling, Colonel Sanders, and World Population Boom

你不給人家錢, 他們要怎麼做事?

Says my dad as he watches news about the debt ceiling. Basically he's saying that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, how can Obama get things done? I don't know what coming "very close" to an agreement means, but hopefully that's really the case and both parties can stop this political bickering that has dragged for way too long. It's like they're voting down the other side's proposal just for the sake of doing it.

I learned today that Colonel Sanders opened KFC when he lost his restaurant business at age 65 and traversed the country on his social security funds in search of a new business opportunity. That business opportunity is now a nation-wide fried chicken chain and booming in China. I wonder what Colonel Sanders knew or thought about China during his living years. Did he ever imagine the remote possibility that his restaurant would become the literal and symbolic provender of a rising middle class in a country with over 1 billion people?
Anyway, he's my new hero for becoming an entrepreneur at an age when most people retire or just die.

And OMG, the world population is expected to hit 7 billion this year. The developing world, Africa in particular, is expected to contribute 49% of the world's growth while the developed is expected to contribute 3%. Crazy. So...should academics begin studying migration dynamics? Because I have a feeling it's only going to becoming a hotter topic in these next few decades...

Stick to Your Knitting

Who thinks of these idioms? I'd be interested in learning the history behind this one.

Stick to knitting: if a person or company sticks to their knitting, they continue to do what they have always done instead of trying to do something they know very little about. He believes the key to a company's success is to stick to its knitting rather than trying to diversify.

From The Free Dictionary

The things you learn each day.

Mood Swinging

This is the last time I have hot and spicy hot pot and shaved snow right before that time of the month. I woke up at 5 AM with severe cramps and they haven't stopped since. In the same time span the neighbor next door has run his lawn mower, had a loud conversation with his buddy on the phone about his daughter's quinceanera, and now the newborn is crying its lungs out. Normally I wouldn't mind but raging hormones and pain have made me nothing but CRANKY right now. Good thing it's a Friday and I don't work or else I would kill someone.

And can Congress please come to a fucking agreement on the debt ceiling already?

Don't talk to me.

Uh Huh

henrywang228:
you know if for just one day
the united states policy making was turned over to the central committee of the PRC
so much would get done

maybe the halls of congress would smell like smoke
and spit everywhere on the floor
but meh

Finally

Hello,

The USC Libraries has been notified by the Graduate School that you have successfully completed your Thesis/Dissertation. Congratulations!! In order for you to graduate you must submit an electronic copy (PDF only) of your Thesis/Dissertation to the USC Libraries.

Thank You,
USC Libraries

I think this marks the end of a chapter. Time to move onto the next project in my life.

Unbridled Privatization? Yes Please, Says Boris the Politician.

Oh my goodness. This graphic came from a New York Times article covering India's rich and the national economy, but what really jumped out at me is the proportion of billionaire wealth that is in the Russian economy. When I think of crony capitalism and shadily acquired wealth Russia is definitely the first country that comes to mind. Russian billionaires hold almost 30% of the entire nation's GDP. My my, what a long way the country has come from communism...

The article itself is interesting too.

Life is Short. Do What You Love.

I really like this.

Courtesy of Leo. And Holstee, which apparently makes socially sustainable goods appealing to hipsters and currently out of my budget.

Comic Relief

he11o g00dbye14
yah, it will have to be a christmas job
present*
9:24
Brenda Au
LOL
job
9:25
he11o g00dbye14
lols that's how badly i want a job

Oslo, Norway

Norway suspect described as right-wing Christian; death toll hits 91 - latimes.com

Even post-modern societies are not safe nowadays.

Blame the gun, or blame the individual? Norway has pretty regulated, though not restrictive, gun control laws. Maybe nothing would have stopped this right-wing nut from committing such atrocious crimes, even without a gun. Either way what a sad, sad story. My thoughts are with you, Norway.

What Do I Doooooo

I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.

Well, I do know what I need to do, but I don't know how to do it. Must seek the help of a mage.

Dog Days Are Over

Whenever I hear this song I always think of how I used to take Nina by her front paws and twirl her around while singing to her, The dog days are over! She just had this very confused look that also read, please put me down. Oh, what a cutie.

And I didn't know the video was going to be so full of...makeup.

Food, Friends, and Famine

My friend Jessica bought me enough tea to last a year. So happy.


We also had the most delicious Farmer's market dinner tonight at Auntie Em's in Eagle Rock where Jess used to work. Everything was so fresh and beautiful. Paired all dishes with a bottle of cabernet sauvignon and it was the perfect meal with lovely company. Speaking of which, I feel absolutely guilty about my friendship with Jess...in the sense that it's so unbalanced. She puts in so much more than I do. Take tonight's meal for example. I know she's been planning it for weeks because she asked me a long while ago if I would be free tonight. And then I went on Auntie Em's website to read more about the Farmer's market dinner and I saw that it was 45 dollars a person. Oh my goodness. Not that I put a price tag on friendship, but I just feel bad when people spend so much money on me. The fact that it's to celebrate a birthday doesn't alleviate that. And then I made the stupidest mistake today by saying her birthday was in October...when it's really in SEPTEMBER. I wanted to crawl under the table and hide when I did that.
I need to be a better friend.

Peach+heirloom tomato+burrata cheese salad. I love tomatoes, so this was a no-brainer for me. Love!

Yummy, yummy, yummy cheeses. I LOVE CHEESE. Especially goat cheese. Those square blocks on the far left were my favorite. It was a classic blue log goat cheese from Wisconsin. I ate it and went to goat cheese heaven.

Peach and pluot shortcakes with creme anglaise and fresh vanilla bean whipped cream.

Miscellaneous stuff that's been on my mind:
I didn't know there was such a thing as a pluot until tonight. They're not very sweet by themselves, if you're into that. I prefer a nice juicy peach or apricot.

Google Labs is being slowly shut down so Google can focus more on a few projects (ahem, Google+) and make them better as opposed to staying in an experimental stage where they are throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks.

Famine in Somalia. There's a severe, severe food shortage crisis that's been ongoing in Somalia. It was really bad in 1992 and 1993. The US began sending aid then, but cut it off after the Black Hawk incident. I wonder if it's because of natural conditions like drought, and hence less food production, that are contributing to the food crisis, or if the distribution is characterized by gross injustice. I post all these pictures of the food I ate tonight, so full in my belly I was going to burst, and then I think about this. There's a lot of self-contempt involved in my thinking process, but I'll have to save that for another post. Sigh.

Is Michele Bachmann's husband gay?

I should go to sleep. Every night this past week I've been telling myself to sleep by 1 AM but of course, I fail. Then I don't wake up until 10 the next morning and the vicious cycle continues...

My Roommate is my Mom

I just had the most horrific conversation with my mom.

Mom: If you get a job in West LA, will you stay at home or move over there?
Me: I'm not sure. I think I'll try the commute first, and if it gets too tiring I'll move out there.
Mom: I have a great idea.
Me: What is it?
Mom: If I get a job with UCLA or out in LA, we can rent a one-room apartment and live together.

Right after she said this my mind started thinking about a million reasons why this would not be a great idea at all.

China Law Blog Post on Facebook versus Google+

Google+ For China. You Heard It Here First.

China Law Blog, I would have to admit I am convinced by the Facebook versus Google+ argument. I can't tell if I'm lamenting here because I am sentimental in a non-rational way towards Facebook, or if I really feel that Facebook is already becoming an underdog. Is Mark Zuckerberg watching the sands of time quickly run out on his beloved technological creation?

Reject

I woke up at 6 AM this morning to check email on my phone and found out I had been rejected for an administrative assistant position. New low. I blame this for me rolling back into bed and sleeping for another 4 hours.

Do or Do Not. There is no Try.

One of my friends got into medical school today, and another one was accepted into a top-notch law school. Feelings of happiness flowing. It makes up for the less-than-welcome news I received yesterday.

At least this has been a memorable birthday. The fact that I'm 25, and have no job. But this is not meant in a tone that's like, oh, I feel sorry for myself. How pitiful. Waah waah waah. It's more like, GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER! I have no time to wallow in sadness. I must expend resources on seeking gainful employment.

Come on, Brandy, you can do it...

WHAT

How do you laugh and cry at the same time? One phone call really can change things...

She Just Loves Me is All

My mom's text to me at 11 57 PM: "Why r u guys eating so late? Be careful get fatfat"

Dating the Internet

How To Date Someone In 2011 « Thought Catalog

Spot on for the second consecutive time, this Ryan O'Connell. Bravo.

So True? So True?!

Things I Will Do If I Have A Crush On You « Thought Catalog

Written by a gay man, but it's universal.

"If I have a crush on you, there’s a good chance you won’t like me back. It’s not as if I fall for people who are unattainable, it’s just that…I fall for people who are unattainable. Rats! This has to do with the whole “I’m too scared to talk to you” thing though. You see, if I don’t actually like you, I’ll be able to talk to you easily and flirt and laugh and rub your arm. I feel no nervousness because I just won’t think of you in that way. So just to recap, I ignore the people I actually like and lead on the people I don’t. WHAT?!"

Yes, really, WHAT? Story of my life, seemingly. How do I stop it, waah?

Lil Wayne's How to Love is stuck in my head right now.

When There's Nothing Else to Think About

I miss my Nina.

No Thank You, I Don't Care to See Your Washboard Abs

Is it possible for a guy to have a six pack and be humble?

I think I already know the answer to that question, but I wonder if others agree with me.

Hair Salon Dilemma

Finding a reliable hair salon is turning out to be a lot more difficult than I thought. Blah! Blogger-heads, any recommendations for a nice loose wavy perm for thick long hair?

Clara C's Heartstrings

I really adore this girl. A friend and I saw her perform once at USC and she was so cute. And she has a great voice.

Random Thought

I was browsing Facebook and came across the profile of a very physically attractive person on my news feed. It made me wonder what it feels like to be so attractive to the point where 99% of the human population is less good-looking than you. Some people are so good looking I wonder if they can ever find a mate that makes them happy. Would two incredibly good looking people be with each other just because they can't possibly be with anyone else who is not at their level? Can they see past physical appearance and learn to be with someone who is less beautiful than them?

Car-mageddon

Car-mageddon: The 405 freeway between the 10 and the 101 is shutting down for a weekend from July 16-17. It's such a big event that the city has been advertising it for weeks now. When I drive along any LA freeway, the signs shout at me from the side: 405 FREEWAY. CLOSED JULY 16-17. Only in LA, can a freeway shut down for 53 hours and have it be the end of the world. How are people going to go to their yoga classes and farmer markets??! AhHhHhHhHhHh!! The video is pretty funny if you buy into all the stereotypes about Angelenos and their social and lifestyle habits.

Pensieve Entry

So much has been on my mind lately. I've just had a lot more time alone to think about things, between making formatting revisions on my thesis, looking at jobs, and part-time tutoring. This post will be random because I literally am pouring out everything that's stored in my head.

It's been a little over a week since Nina was put to sleep. So far there hasn't been a day where I don't think about her. The first few days, I couldn't stop crying. Any little memory I had that came up in my mind of her would trigger an overwhelming flow of emotion. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Regret. I couldn't really separate them; they just all sort of emerged together and tangled me up into an emotional mess. The final moments of her life just kept replaying in my head. I couldn't get away from them, the images of her struggling to breathe while I was rushing her to the clinic, the spilled blood everywhere. I honestly could say this has been the worst form of emotional pain I've been through. My heart just ached.
I will never stop missing her. All I have left of her now is her dog tag and a paw print I preserved in clay. I think that's enough tangible memory for me though. There was something bittersweet I found in the quote, "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure." My memories of Nina are gold.

It seems like my career and relocation plans are facing some challenges. At first when I found out how long the entire process would take, I was really frustrated. Frustrated that it wasn't going smoothly and as how I intended. But after I took some time to think about it, I felt that it was maybe a blessing in disguise. Being here at home longer means I get to spend more precious time with family and friends, relax for a while longer before I become crazy busy again, and just reflect on myself and my life during much appreciated moments of being alone. I do believe all big events in our lives happen for a reason. It's been demonstrated to me time and time again in my own life. Whatever happens these next few months or weeks, I'll go with the flow. It seems to have worked relatively well in the past.

I think my parents are beginning to worry that I don't have a boyfriend or a potential inkling of one. I don't really know what to tell them. Sometimes, I don't really even know what to tell myself. I think I really screw things up for myself. I do believe it's true that it's not hard to be happy. I just have to open my heart to people who are willing to open theirs for me. And there have been windows of opportunity. I find myself really, really wanting to give everything I can offer to someone, emotionally, time-wise, commitment-wise (though I definitely don't mean that in a super-serious, ball-and-chain way), because I think I've reached that point where I'm able to again. But instead, I complicate things for myself by staying fixated on the people, the person, I can't and shouldn't be thinking about. I tell myself not to think about it. It works for a while, because I convince myself differently each time.
You're not really feeling what you're feeling.
That's not what you should be feeling.
Don't take things seriously.
It would never work.
I feel like I'm just fighting myself to no avail. It's like Lindsey Lohan in rehab. Relapse is inevitable. Rargh! In a way, that's also why I'm so eager to go to Beijing. I know it's silly to run away from your issues (in this case, literally), but at least it means I'll have a fresh start, be distanced from this internal struggle I've been having for a while now. In Beijing, I will grow. I will mature. I will find someone who is right for me. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

It actually felt super good to get that out. Girls are stupid huh? Well, we're entitled ;)

ANYWAY, onto a lighter subject near and dear to my heart. I love the warm weather. I forgot how lovely summer in LA can be, especially since I usually take advantage of time off from school to travel and do school-related stuff (as sparingly as possible) during these months. It's especially gorgeous at night. I went for a run tonight and I literally felt like I could just run, and run, and run. I didn't feel tired at all. The breeze on my face felt so calming, and my mind was just blank. I simply was.
Later on I was lying down on the grass, looking up at the sky and listening to Johannes Linstead on my iPod. By the way, he is the reason I have discovered a deep attraction to new age flamenco. Check him out; he is awesome and amazingly talented. Anyway, the sky was especially clear tonight. Or maybe I just don't usually notice it. I could see so many stars, and the moon was just hanging out to my right. I felt true tranquility at that moment. The feeling was incredibly peaceful. No rush, no anxiousness, no negativity. I could have lay there forever, because everything just seemed so simple. And I think I fell in love with the simplicity.

Was It Really That Surprising?

I can't believe it. Once again, the American legal system amazes me with the hypocrisy it possesses. Like clockwork, everything seems to be flip-flopped to the point where guilt is innocence, justice is injustice, and the clearer things are supposed to be, the more people become blinded.

Just look at these variables and you can probably predict the outcome of future criminal cases:
Sex of defense
Race of defense
Socioeconomic status of defense
Jury selection process
If ever you hear the term, 'cannot be absolutely proven,' or some variant of it, raise an eyebrow.

Isn't the point of a functioning legal system to serve justice? In this entire process, no one seemed to think about Caylee Anthony.