Pensieve Entry

So much has been on my mind lately. I've just had a lot more time alone to think about things, between making formatting revisions on my thesis, looking at jobs, and part-time tutoring. This post will be random because I literally am pouring out everything that's stored in my head.

It's been a little over a week since Nina was put to sleep. So far there hasn't been a day where I don't think about her. The first few days, I couldn't stop crying. Any little memory I had that came up in my mind of her would trigger an overwhelming flow of emotion. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Regret. I couldn't really separate them; they just all sort of emerged together and tangled me up into an emotional mess. The final moments of her life just kept replaying in my head. I couldn't get away from them, the images of her struggling to breathe while I was rushing her to the clinic, the spilled blood everywhere. I honestly could say this has been the worst form of emotional pain I've been through. My heart just ached.
I will never stop missing her. All I have left of her now is her dog tag and a paw print I preserved in clay. I think that's enough tangible memory for me though. There was something bittersweet I found in the quote, "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure." My memories of Nina are gold.

It seems like my career and relocation plans are facing some challenges. At first when I found out how long the entire process would take, I was really frustrated. Frustrated that it wasn't going smoothly and as how I intended. But after I took some time to think about it, I felt that it was maybe a blessing in disguise. Being here at home longer means I get to spend more precious time with family and friends, relax for a while longer before I become crazy busy again, and just reflect on myself and my life during much appreciated moments of being alone. I do believe all big events in our lives happen for a reason. It's been demonstrated to me time and time again in my own life. Whatever happens these next few months or weeks, I'll go with the flow. It seems to have worked relatively well in the past.

I think my parents are beginning to worry that I don't have a boyfriend or a potential inkling of one. I don't really know what to tell them. Sometimes, I don't really even know what to tell myself. I think I really screw things up for myself. I do believe it's true that it's not hard to be happy. I just have to open my heart to people who are willing to open theirs for me. And there have been windows of opportunity. I find myself really, really wanting to give everything I can offer to someone, emotionally, time-wise, commitment-wise (though I definitely don't mean that in a super-serious, ball-and-chain way), because I think I've reached that point where I'm able to again. But instead, I complicate things for myself by staying fixated on the people, the person, I can't and shouldn't be thinking about. I tell myself not to think about it. It works for a while, because I convince myself differently each time.
You're not really feeling what you're feeling.
That's not what you should be feeling.
Don't take things seriously.
It would never work.
I feel like I'm just fighting myself to no avail. It's like Lindsey Lohan in rehab. Relapse is inevitable. Rargh! In a way, that's also why I'm so eager to go to Beijing. I know it's silly to run away from your issues (in this case, literally), but at least it means I'll have a fresh start, be distanced from this internal struggle I've been having for a while now. In Beijing, I will grow. I will mature. I will find someone who is right for me. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

It actually felt super good to get that out. Girls are stupid huh? Well, we're entitled ;)

ANYWAY, onto a lighter subject near and dear to my heart. I love the warm weather. I forgot how lovely summer in LA can be, especially since I usually take advantage of time off from school to travel and do school-related stuff (as sparingly as possible) during these months. It's especially gorgeous at night. I went for a run tonight and I literally felt like I could just run, and run, and run. I didn't feel tired at all. The breeze on my face felt so calming, and my mind was just blank. I simply was.
Later on I was lying down on the grass, looking up at the sky and listening to Johannes Linstead on my iPod. By the way, he is the reason I have discovered a deep attraction to new age flamenco. Check him out; he is awesome and amazingly talented. Anyway, the sky was especially clear tonight. Or maybe I just don't usually notice it. I could see so many stars, and the moon was just hanging out to my right. I felt true tranquility at that moment. The feeling was incredibly peaceful. No rush, no anxiousness, no negativity. I could have lay there forever, because everything just seemed so simple. And I think I fell in love with the simplicity.

Some Food for Thought

"Relationships are hard and I don't think we can make it work if we just settle. Because then in those moments of challenge and uncertainty, and they will exist -- we go back to the notion that they --are just good for us, and not the best we can get. We can feel and realize that someone we didn't think was good for us is. But when we force that, its just forcing logic and the tricky thing about relationships is that love is involved and thats not something that is just logical."

Venerable. Wisely stated. JWR is introspective like that.

Me and Marriage

Why am I so anti-marriage? I had a dream today that my dad and mom were getting a divorce. And even though I felt sad, I was also relieved. It makes me a horrible person for admitting this, but it finally meant I would not have to hear their arguing, yelling, and see how they torture each other to no end. The older they get the less they can stand each other, but the older they get the more they come to realize they only have in other in their retirement years. Tragic irony?

Through my mom's experience, which has essentially been her entire life post-marriage, I have come to be very, very scared of spending most of my life with one person. It's such a huge gamble. What if that person turns out to have so many flaws I can't live with? What if I end up hating him? Every time my mom talks about my dad, she starts crying. He has failed as a husband, she's said. Wow. Then I wonder if I want to be subject to that for the rest of my life. Would I rather be alone and unhappy, or with someone and unhappy?

That's Heavy

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

--C.S. Lewis

Sometimes I wonder if this has become me.

Really Now?

My mom told me a few days ago that I have "結婚運" this year because of my zodiac sign, or something along those lines. TWO independent foretellings so far...! I'm usually not a believer, especially of the superstitious, unless I see it for myself, but if this is told to me a third time I might just start believing...

Where you be at 白馬王子? Maybe he's living in a thick muddy swamp and has ugly green skin but a heart of gold. I'd hit that.

The Romantic Star

"With the appearance of the *Romantic Star*, Tiger people have very good love opportunity in 2011. If you are single, then you have very good chance to meet the opposite sex and build a good relationship in spring. The best time is March and April. You need to increase your social events. Your soul mate is waiting for you."

Ooh la la, this year suddenly became a lot more interesting. Fobby forecast tells me I need to GET OUT THERE.

Yet Another Failed State Institution

I found out that my aunt's husband has been having an affair. This is the second affair in our extended family. It makes me completely lose faith in the institution of marriage. I don't even want to entertain the thought of marriage if this is what it leads to...extramarital affairs...unhappiness, and messy divorces. Are human beings inclined to be monogamous for most of their lives? If so, then why so much cheating? I feel like being faithful is becoming something of an anomaly nowadays. Maybe being social creatures by habit, humans are not meant to exhibit monogamous tendencies. If man-made institutions were not in place to restrict our behavior, would we see many more explicit polygamous relationships?

I think it's totally possible to be committed to someone and not get married. The foundation of trust and devotion has to be there, and that's hard to achieve between two people. That's what so many marriages lack. People get married for the wrong reasons-- because they think they're in love, because they're impulsive, because they want someone to stay with them.

There's a recent New York Times article about civil unions in France that made me think about what it means to be committed to someone. Maybe civil unions are the way to go. You can reap the economic benefits that come with marriage, but it doesn't box you into a corner in case things don't work out in the long run. And then after a while, if you can picture spending the rest of your life with someone, marriage may be the ultimate step.
Civil Unions in France