Another Byte of Wisdom From Mama Au

This is at the market today. We were picking some pears.

I hand my mom a pear.
Mom: No! This one's too skinny! There's no meat on it.
Me: It looks like the one you have in your hand.
Mom: We are picking FRUITS, daughter, not PARTNERS, ok? Unlike your partners, you want your fruits fat and meaty.

Lols.

Pissing Me Off

Correcting my brother's Chinese homework makes me want to just rip it up in front of his face. How is he ever going to get into college with a work ethic like this? He doesn't even read the sentences or directions. He needs to get a job and then get fired from it so he can see what a shitty work ethic he has. What pisses me off even more is that this crap work he's giving me is not because he doesn't get it, but because he's lazy. At least if he doesn't get it I can fix that. HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO EFFING LAZY? Inexcusable. Pathetic. Insulting. To me! I can't believe he would give me this crap to correct. I should just give it back to him and tell him it's not worth my time.

When I see him I'm going to let him have it...

Reason 9038490859085 My Dad is Awesome

he11o g00dbye14
today we were watching wheel of fortune, and the guy won a mini cooper. dad was like, that would be a nice car for brenda to win. it's small and convenient
11:52
Brenda Au
lolol

Warm Fuzzy Feeling

This morning, in a haze of sleepiness, my dad laughed, hugged, and thanked me for cleaning his car yesterday. I felt warm, and not from the summer weather.

Happy birthday to the best dad in the world.

Relationship SOS

Where do I begin?

My relationship with my parents is under strain. I am going to try very hard to discuss this in a way that doesn't place the blame on either side, because at its core, I think this is a communication issue.

I was ready to head out to my weekly boba sessions with Henry and Robert tonight when my mom asked me where I was going. I don't know why she asks. Whenever I go out it's usually with the few friends I have. It's not like I have a million different friends I need to entertain every time. I had a few minutes to spare so I sat down on the couch to chat with her. By this point I could tell she was visibly upset and I know it was because she thought I went out too much.

She went on about how she thought I was not being understanding towards her and my dad. She was very sad that I chose to prioritize my friends over them. She thought that whenever I offered to help in the kitchen it was a disingenuous move because I felt forced to do it. She said I never tell her anything, that ever since I moved out I've become more distant and secretive. I am not a good child, I think my parents are wood blocks that I'd rather not waste my breath with, I'm inconsiderate about how lonely my dad is. That I don't know how much she loves me because I don't know how hard she works for us. There was more stuff but I don't remember.

My initial thought was, well, if every time I sit down and this is the type of conversation you have with me, it's no wonder I'd rather not spend time at home. But that's a cop out way of thinking about it.

I don't know why I'm so upset about it. Because she stopped me from going out? I hate it when people try to tell me what to do or control my actions. That's effectively what she did. That's been true ever since I was little. I have no problem not giving a shit about what other people say to or about me, because they don't matter. But when my mom or dad criticize me, it bothers me like nothing else ever can.

Because I think everything she said wasn't true? That's why it made me react so sensitively? I can't think of any other people in the world I would take a bullet for except my family. That's probably why when she said I didn't consider them a priority, I felt like a gross injustice had been committed. I don't offer to help because I felt forced to do it. I do it because I want to. I feel bad when I sit at my computer looking for work or Facebooking or checking email or chatting with my friends, which is why when I gain the consciousness to know I should be helping my parents with whatever they're doing, I wouldn't believe my mom would actually think I am being insincere about it.

Or maybe because she also has a point. Who knows where I will be geographically these next few years? I might be away for a long time, during the years my parents get older and older. Inevitably, one day I will be the one to take care of them and the relationship can't be like it was before, equal. One will be the responsibility of the other. The question is, how much time do I have before that happens?

I'm trying to live my life the way it should be if I were living on my own. She's right, in a sense. I've become more "distant" and "secretive" because this is part of a lifestyle I've gotten used to having. Come and go as I please. I never felt comfortable telling my parents everything, why would I start now? My parents are not going to be around much longer if we're talking the next 20, 30 years, but my friends are not going to be the same for much longer if we're talking about the next 5, even 2 years. It also drives me crazy that I'm home for much of the daytime, so the nighttime is really the only opportunity I have to get away from the house. The reason I go out is because I'm not doing anything at home. I'm definitely not talking to my parents. It doesn't make sense to me. When am I supposed to be talking to them? While my dad's eyes are glued to the TV? While my mom is meditating? Should I just be sitting on the couch doing nothing, readily available for them to talk to me? And then, what would we be talking about? About the fact that I don't have a job? About whether or not I've been applying for work? (And the answer is always yes, I don't know why it would change from one day to the next.) About why I didn't decide to become a pharmacist so I could make six figures? About why I don't sit up straight, or why my skin is so bad? These are all topics I know my parents are concerned about. I just don't care much for repeating them conversation after conversation.

How do other old married couples do it? They probably have kids who are super filial and are always by their side, but I'm sure there are also those who have kids living hundreds, thousands of miles away and can't see them every day. There are even couples whose kids live in the same city and never see each other. How do they deal with it? Maybe because they have each other. My parents don't exactly have the best relationship with each other, so that's not an option. Maybe they have other friends they can talk to. My parents don't exactly have that either. Or maybe these couples who don't see their children really are lonely, missing their children, but there's nothing they can do about it. Maybe my mom guilt tripping me tonight was a desperate attempt to make me see the agony I am causing my parents.

What I really feel is a mixture of guilt and resentment, because I know I haven't been the best child I could be, but also because I feel unjustified. So now, there's this experiment I'm going to try. For the next two weeks, I'm not going out. Not to dinner, not to socialize, nothing in the evening time when my parents are home. As much as it pains me, since I actually like seeing and talking to my friends. I'll go out to run, and to yoga. I can't sacrifice my physical well-being. If our parent-child relationship gets better, my mom's probably right. If it stays the same...then, I don't know. Maybe I'll have proven my point then, whatever it is.

Our relationship is not going to get much better in these next few hours because I am sitting in my room typing away and my mom is ironing while watching TV. Status quo continues.

My Dad on the Debt Ceiling, Colonel Sanders, and World Population Boom

你不給人家錢, 他們要怎麼做事?

Says my dad as he watches news about the debt ceiling. Basically he's saying that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, how can Obama get things done? I don't know what coming "very close" to an agreement means, but hopefully that's really the case and both parties can stop this political bickering that has dragged for way too long. It's like they're voting down the other side's proposal just for the sake of doing it.

I learned today that Colonel Sanders opened KFC when he lost his restaurant business at age 65 and traversed the country on his social security funds in search of a new business opportunity. That business opportunity is now a nation-wide fried chicken chain and booming in China. I wonder what Colonel Sanders knew or thought about China during his living years. Did he ever imagine the remote possibility that his restaurant would become the literal and symbolic provender of a rising middle class in a country with over 1 billion people?
Anyway, he's my new hero for becoming an entrepreneur at an age when most people retire or just die.

And OMG, the world population is expected to hit 7 billion this year. The developing world, Africa in particular, is expected to contribute 49% of the world's growth while the developed is expected to contribute 3%. Crazy. So...should academics begin studying migration dynamics? Because I have a feeling it's only going to becoming a hotter topic in these next few decades...

Pensieve Entry

So much has been on my mind lately. I've just had a lot more time alone to think about things, between making formatting revisions on my thesis, looking at jobs, and part-time tutoring. This post will be random because I literally am pouring out everything that's stored in my head.

It's been a little over a week since Nina was put to sleep. So far there hasn't been a day where I don't think about her. The first few days, I couldn't stop crying. Any little memory I had that came up in my mind of her would trigger an overwhelming flow of emotion. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Regret. I couldn't really separate them; they just all sort of emerged together and tangled me up into an emotional mess. The final moments of her life just kept replaying in my head. I couldn't get away from them, the images of her struggling to breathe while I was rushing her to the clinic, the spilled blood everywhere. I honestly could say this has been the worst form of emotional pain I've been through. My heart just ached.
I will never stop missing her. All I have left of her now is her dog tag and a paw print I preserved in clay. I think that's enough tangible memory for me though. There was something bittersweet I found in the quote, "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure." My memories of Nina are gold.

It seems like my career and relocation plans are facing some challenges. At first when I found out how long the entire process would take, I was really frustrated. Frustrated that it wasn't going smoothly and as how I intended. But after I took some time to think about it, I felt that it was maybe a blessing in disguise. Being here at home longer means I get to spend more precious time with family and friends, relax for a while longer before I become crazy busy again, and just reflect on myself and my life during much appreciated moments of being alone. I do believe all big events in our lives happen for a reason. It's been demonstrated to me time and time again in my own life. Whatever happens these next few months or weeks, I'll go with the flow. It seems to have worked relatively well in the past.

I think my parents are beginning to worry that I don't have a boyfriend or a potential inkling of one. I don't really know what to tell them. Sometimes, I don't really even know what to tell myself. I think I really screw things up for myself. I do believe it's true that it's not hard to be happy. I just have to open my heart to people who are willing to open theirs for me. And there have been windows of opportunity. I find myself really, really wanting to give everything I can offer to someone, emotionally, time-wise, commitment-wise (though I definitely don't mean that in a super-serious, ball-and-chain way), because I think I've reached that point where I'm able to again. But instead, I complicate things for myself by staying fixated on the people, the person, I can't and shouldn't be thinking about. I tell myself not to think about it. It works for a while, because I convince myself differently each time.
You're not really feeling what you're feeling.
That's not what you should be feeling.
Don't take things seriously.
It would never work.
I feel like I'm just fighting myself to no avail. It's like Lindsey Lohan in rehab. Relapse is inevitable. Rargh! In a way, that's also why I'm so eager to go to Beijing. I know it's silly to run away from your issues (in this case, literally), but at least it means I'll have a fresh start, be distanced from this internal struggle I've been having for a while now. In Beijing, I will grow. I will mature. I will find someone who is right for me. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

It actually felt super good to get that out. Girls are stupid huh? Well, we're entitled ;)

ANYWAY, onto a lighter subject near and dear to my heart. I love the warm weather. I forgot how lovely summer in LA can be, especially since I usually take advantage of time off from school to travel and do school-related stuff (as sparingly as possible) during these months. It's especially gorgeous at night. I went for a run tonight and I literally felt like I could just run, and run, and run. I didn't feel tired at all. The breeze on my face felt so calming, and my mind was just blank. I simply was.
Later on I was lying down on the grass, looking up at the sky and listening to Johannes Linstead on my iPod. By the way, he is the reason I have discovered a deep attraction to new age flamenco. Check him out; he is awesome and amazingly talented. Anyway, the sky was especially clear tonight. Or maybe I just don't usually notice it. I could see so many stars, and the moon was just hanging out to my right. I felt true tranquility at that moment. The feeling was incredibly peaceful. No rush, no anxiousness, no negativity. I could have lay there forever, because everything just seemed so simple. And I think I fell in love with the simplicity.

Start Waking up at 9 AM

This morning Nina laid another poo in the house. For some reason, my mom went batshit crazy when she saw it. Her yelling woke me up and I ran out to see her aiming a fly swatter at our poor dog, who was emitting high-pitched whines in the corner of the kitchen.

I think my mom's been in a more irritated mood recently because she hasn't been able to find work. She's been at home studying for her GED and doing housework for about...6 months now. I've been free for about 3 days and I feel restless. The other realization I had has to do with my whole journey of self-reflection and finding ways I can be a better person. My mom brought Nina home because I had said I wanted a dog when I got back from China. Well, now she's here (not that I chose her, but I'm not complaining), and the person most responsible for training her would be me. Instead, I've dropped the ball. I was much more hard-working at the beginning, taking her out when I thought she needed to go, for example. I guess because I saw raising Nina as a family effort, so I thought I wouldn't have to walk her every day, potty train her, and clean her. Between my mom's screaming this morning and taking a walk with Nina to get away from her rage, I realized I am going to have to be more vigilant and consistent when it comes to training my pet. A dog can't be disciplined unless their owner is too.

On a brighter note, I feel like a kid who's been let out for summer vacation, even if it's just for a few days. I've picked up the guitar again. I learned how to play Ode to Joy last night. I've started reading things I've wanted to for a while but had to put off. I've had more time to exercise (BIG yay). I've also been revisiting good old Asian dramas. Never fails to be time-consuming. At the same time this would be the best time to get rid of my panda eyes, so staying up until 3 AM and crying my eyes out probably would not help...

New Word

Delegant: a fusion of delicateness and elegance that is uneasily captured by the majority of the population, and an honorable adjective bestowed only upon those few whose beauty holds the eye. A term first developed and subsequently popularized by my mother.
Example of usage: "These orchids are so beautiful. I really like delegant flowers."

Me and Marriage

Why am I so anti-marriage? I had a dream today that my dad and mom were getting a divorce. And even though I felt sad, I was also relieved. It makes me a horrible person for admitting this, but it finally meant I would not have to hear their arguing, yelling, and see how they torture each other to no end. The older they get the less they can stand each other, but the older they get the more they come to realize they only have in other in their retirement years. Tragic irony?

Through my mom's experience, which has essentially been her entire life post-marriage, I have come to be very, very scared of spending most of my life with one person. It's such a huge gamble. What if that person turns out to have so many flaws I can't live with? What if I end up hating him? Every time my mom talks about my dad, she starts crying. He has failed as a husband, she's said. Wow. Then I wonder if I want to be subject to that for the rest of my life. Would I rather be alone and unhappy, or with someone and unhappy?

Self-Infliction and Something to Smile About

You know how when you go into an interview and one of the golden standards in terms of questions that are thrown at you include, What would you consider to be your biggest weakness? I can think of many for myself. I should write down a list of my flaws and tape it in front of me, so every time I sit at my desk typing I can glance up and remind myself to be more open-minded, not over-think things, not be lazy, not dither, not waste time, to follow through on self-made commitments, and not mindlessly touch my face when I think (because that causes acne).

I went to my sister's graduation this weekend. It was surreal to watch her walk across that stage and take a pseudo-diploma while shaking the hand of the department chair. She's gone from the little crying sister I used to bully all the time to a strong, independent, wildly smart, creative, beautiful, confident character.

I'm so proud.

Are my Parents Jewish?

My work is going s l o w as heck. So I thought I'd prolong unproductivity by blogging on this topic that's been on my mind for a while. I finished reading Amy Chua's book about Tiger mothering recently and I was trying to think about whether my impressions of her ideas about parenting changed since reading the WSJ article.

I still think there's an oversimplification of "Chinese" versus "Western" style parenting in the book. Although Chua tries to justify it by saying that these parenting models are not exclusive to the ethnicity to which they are titled, the propositions underlying each side are still exaggerated.

For some reason the book focused overwhelmingly on Chua's and her children's experiences learning their respective musical instruments. I thought it was going to be a story about governance over all aspects of her children's lives, from academics to extracurricular activities, to their social circles and search for self-identity. If her daughter was only rebellious in this respect (extracurriculars) then Chua would have a much easier time demonstrating the alleged superiority of her parenting model (if she'd discussed their performance in other categories).

I think it is true that many Chinese parents push their kids to their limit, whether for better or for worse. My parents were pushers--no matter how much they deny it--when my sister and I were growing up. I didn't learn to play the piano growing up like Chua's kids did--my parents couldn't afford the lessons--but my mom and dad were strategic about what they invested in. Chinese classes were a huge, omnipresent force in my life until about age 16. They pushed. And pushed. No matter where we moved, we would always find a school to accommodate us. If my mom worked on Saturdays, we would have class on Sundays. If there were no Sunday classes available, my mom would drop us off early and pick us up during her lunch break. The medical clinic she worked at became my sister and my after-school center. In academics, they made sure we achieved a certain standard. Nagged. Constantly asked about grades. Asked if we needed tutoring. Questioned us on less-than-stellar grades. Expressed concern at subpar test results. And at high school graduation and university commencement, they were beaming.
I think more generally, my parents share an immigrant mentality with a very broad community--first generation immigrants to the US. I think Chua also points this out in her book. You come here without a dime in your pocket, work your way up through the lowest of the low rung of the economic ladder, finally establish a "middle-class" life for yourself and your family, and the last thing you want is for your children to potentially lose everything you've worked so hard to provide because they don't realize the hardships in attaining a comfortable life.

When I told my parents about this particular passage--

"Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. the reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children...By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. Jed [Chua's husband] actually has the opposite view. 'Children don't choose their parents,' he once said to me. 'They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids.'"--Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, p. 53

--they agreed with Chua's Jewish husband about his conception of a parent-child relationship. That was interesting, but I guess I shouldn't find it surprising. I don't think my parents have ever raised me or my siblings with the expectation that we will pay them back by taking care of them when they reach old age. I don't really know what they expect from us besides being able to independently take care of ourselves before they can't anymore.

Overall an entertaining read. She's a great storyteller and incredibly funny in some parts. I laughed out loud. The biggest value I got out of her book, I'd say, would be how amused I was reading about her particular experience, the trials and tribulations of raising biracial children in a society with such a rich set of socio-cultural values to choose from. I give her props for sticking to her guns and having conviction about doing what she thought was best for her children. And maybe even if I don't aspire to be a tiger mom, I can strive to be more disciplined in other roles I have.

On a totally unrelated note, my mom steamed fish (I wasn't sure which type) with pepper and cheese drizzled on top tonight. The broth was to die for. I wanted to drink it like soup. The fish melted in my mouth. Happiness is rushing home from class in anticipation of good home cooking.

A Partial Definition of Happiness

Brenda: hey
i left my computer on
Sent at 3:37 PM on Thursday
me: it's ok
just wondering how you were doing
Brenda: oh im okay
i dont feel so bad today
haha
i bought 2 boxes of ice cream sandwiches and 4 boxes of sour patch kids

For some reason that made my day. That, plus finishing my paper, squeezing it down to 5 pages albeit using .5 margins all around and 1.5 line spacing, and having class postponed to tomorrow. There are upsides to being an easily satisfied person.

< 3

My favorite quote of the day, uttered minutes ago.

"I am going to get my diploma, or else I am not Fonda!"
--my mom, talking about getting her GED

A Blessing in Disguise? Time, Money, Love.

Ever since my mom became unemployed my dad's been a lot more caring and supportive of her. They haven't had an argument in a while, and he's actually going with her on a job interview tomorrow. I even suggested they take a walk on the beach and my dad didn't say anything, which usually means consent. I guess if I were to look at the bright side of things, we have half the income compared to before, but twice the love. And I don't mind that at all.

I really like this quote by Randy Pausch in The Last Lecture. "The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have." It resonates with me. Time is the one thing in your life that can never be replenished. You lose money, you can make it back. I used to be really hung up on spending money unnecessarily. Things like excess baggage fees and parking tickets would really, really get to me, because they were things that could have been prevented. But now that I'm getting older I realize how much more precious time is to me. I would never want to look back at my life and feel like I had wasted it, because I know it's something that I could never get back. I guess the best and closest reminder to me is my parents. They came to the US when they were in their 20's, and now they're more than twice that age. I'm in my 20's now, and it's mind boggling to think about how quickly it'll be when I am more than twice my current age.

My Mother's Messages

One thing I love about being abroad is that despite being thousands of miles away from home, I can still feel my mother's love. Instead of nagging and probing, it takes on the form of grammatically offensive and emoticon-filled emails. Different medium of expression, same abundance of affection.

Mon, Aug 9. 1.46 PM


Wed, Aug 11. 1.04 PM


Mon, Aug 30. 8.22 AM
*She titled this one 'Brandy's foot'.


I miss the parentals when I'm not talking to them, yet when I do I can't wait to get away from their incessant questions, especially my dad. When I help out with the cell phone game in Act III I look at all those middle aged people my parents' age and suddenly they don't seem so annoying anymore. I feel especially delighted when old ladies and men break into expressions of joy at the successful sending of a text message. I don't know if anyone feels that same sort of affinity to the Chinese tourists. Probably not, especially if you saw how aggressive and pushy these people are, but I'm weird. I really don't mind...the interactions are enjoyable.

Family Above All Else

Is is possible to be homesick when one hasn't left home yet? I wonder how much more quiet the house will be without a fourth person...

Reason #98956895789647 and 98956895789648 I love my mom.

I saw her this morning wearing a pair of earrings I had intended to donate to the Vietnam Veterans of America. She had fished through the bags and found them, in addition to a Dunder Mifflin bag I never used. When I asked her about the earrings she beamed and said, "Aren't they cute!"

Teaching my mom how to use a computer and download files. It is quite an experience.

Suburban Birds.

Today my brother and I sat outside in our backyard for about 20 minutes to see if birds would come and eat the bread crumbs we put out. They did not. Stupid birds. If these were urban LA birds they'd be all over that.

My brother told me sometimes my dad throws handfuls of of my mom's grains for the birds when he comes home from work. My mom doesn't know. I think he's trying to slowly get rid of it because he hates eating that stuff.