I came across this jarring article on my Facebook newsfeed and I had to share it here. It's about a nurse in palliative care who documented the final regrets of the patients she had taken care of over the years. This must mean something, as I can imagine if you're on your deathbed, that's the best time than any other point in your life to tell the truth. I can sadly see why these regrets would be common among dying folk. It really made me contemplate about what the priorities currently are in my life. Have I made choices that 1) make me as happy as I possibly can be and, 2) put the people I care most deeply about in my heart, at the top of my priorities as well? I think life is not too short, but so long that people so easily fall into complacency. Complacent to give attention to the things that don't really matter to you and brush aside the things and people that do (or should) matter to you. Life is so long we lose sight of the bigger picture, why and what it is we really live for. My family can wait. My deadlines can't. Taking a vacation to a place I've wanted to visit for so long can wait. All these issues at work can't.
I reflected on each of these and how I've scored, so to speak, at this point in my life:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
So far so good. I wasn't so courageous in high school to be non-conformist, but in regards to the major life choices I've made, I can say with certainty were due to considerations of my own happiness and others I love in my life (which amounts to just as much as my own happiness).
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
I can see this as a big regret of many when we now live in a world of work-centered life. You can blame capitalism and the rat pack. If you don't work hard, how will you pay for that vacation that you probably will not get to take for a year because you're too busy at work? I do work hard (at times). I have so far in my life, been able to keep work at bay so that work-life balance exists. It hasn't kept me from going on trips with my family, my friends, and experiencing a sense of general well-being. I can see it becoming harder to maintain as I work longer, become promoted, and really may face a challenge in achieving work-life balance. But I will continue to fight for that balance and remember the true purpose of work. It is a means to an end.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
I'm bad at this. It takes many forms. An awkward smile. A bitten tongue. A volcano of feelings and thoughts that don't erupt. I am so lucky in the fact that the man I love so much overcame my utter lack of expressiveness and decided to make the first move. I would have harbored deep, deep regrets had I carried my feelings for him alone, unshared, unknown, for the rest of my life. I need to tell my parents, brother, and sister that I love them more often. [Even as it is completely due to my parents' childrearing that they don't hear the 3 lovely little words from me to them nearly enough.] I hope this is something I can work on and improve at as I mature.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Ah, talk about weaknesses. Even with the aid of modern technology, I am notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people, so much so that I literally forgot this person was an integral part of my life for X period of my life. This person will never hear a peep from me as long as our paths stop crossing. Shameful, yes? Unintentionally rash. Can you believe my luck though? People still send messages wishing me well and requesting to catch up, as horrible a friend I might be for forgetting they existed or not making the effort to reconnect.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
I'm not really sure about this one. I don't think I've ever intentionally deprived myself of happiness. I suppose there is always room for improvement in making oneself happier. A lot of it is achievable internally. I should let the smaller things go. Be more patient. Do more of the things that make me happy. Like sleep. I know some say you can sleep all you want when you're dead and in the ground, but as a living being I derive happiness from it. I can't tell for sure but I think I'm pretty happy when I sleep. I'm about to make myself happy now and hit the sack.
In all seriousness, once in a while I think we need to check in with ourselves and ask 1) am I happy? Am I truly, uninhibitedly happy? and 2) What am I living for? Who am I living for? If you're not satisfied with those answers or can't answer, then a third question--what can I change, that's within my control, in order to be happier? One thing is, if you can even get to the point to contemplate those questions, then you should be happy, because you're blessed in more ways than one over so many others.
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