Existential Question

I've completed fewer volunteer hours and placed less energy in activities outside work life and I realized it's because that time I would usually spend is now spent lounging around, hanging out, and doing things with my boyfriend. A boyfriend I love dearly but with whom I have become super comfortable and comforted. It makes me feel like I've lost a part of myself, a part from which I found meaning and I guess...took pride in?

I'm seeking answers to the question of what I need to do in my life in order to feel fulfilled. I know it's not spending all my free time with my boyfriend. I have to actively tear myself away from hours spent hanging out and focusing on everything I actively participated in before being with him. Be my own person. Rediscover who I was before now. Prove that I can be the person who successfully juggles priorities in my life that constitute the person I want to be - having successful relationships, caring about my loved ones, going to the gym on weekends, blogging, volunteering, doing things that are bigger than myself, Be bigger than myself.

Reset Button

It took a 2.5 week vacation to Greece and Turkey for me to visit the good old blog again. Santorini was as beautiful as I'd imagined it to be. Istanbul indeed was a very interesting and unique city. I met many friendly and helpful people along the way.

For a long time I had wanted to visit and I finally got around to doing it. It took time away from life for me to recalibrate and remind myself that work is not the center of my universe. I definitely try to tell myself that constantly, but I had to physically remove myself from it for the message to stick. I'll try to be as mindful as I can for as long as possible. When I lose my ground I'll know it's time to go on another vacation.

Tonight, my boyfriend was talking with me about his 5-10 year plan. It's not really relevant as to what his plan and goals are. I especially remembered he said it's not that he wants to compare himself to his peers, but many of them are doing things that make them happy while fulfilling their means. He wants to get there (for good reason). When he said that I thought, wow, even at his age people are still trying to figure out their strengths and passions in life. At my age it's about who can be more successful. Then it's about who can make more money. At his stage of life it's about who can be happier. The comparisons never seem to cease. The question is, without relative comparisons, is it possible to validate that you are successful, rich, and happy?

I feel like I'm reaching a point in my life where I'm thinking critically about what will make me successful and happy. It would take a great leap of faith for me to pursue a life different than what I have now. But I don't want fulfillment only in what my job (or, to use a less pejorative term, career) is. Which means, I don't really know the answer to achieving the trifecta yet.

Career Rocket Fuel

Read a great article this morning by Brian Fetherstonhaugh in my half awake zombie-ness state on how to think about your career. It's so true, in my opinion, that younger people often don't give much thought to their career paths beyond years 2 and 3 or even that next promotion. We should give more thought to the years of peak earning power, which occurs in your late 30s and 40s.

Read here.

After 3 Straight Days of Working 12+ Hours

I realized I don't want to let my work define me. It's depressing. Sitting in the office at 9:45 pm watching Excel freeze is an infuriating and utterly unrewarding experience. The life I have outside of spreadsheets and PowerPoint decks.

We'll Be Ok

We finally had the talk tonight, and it was as amicable as it could have been (I guess as breakups go). I'm glad we were on the same page.

We didn't get to 50 first dates, but the 30-some we had will be some of the best moments of my life.

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Day 15/16/17/18

Clarity came today at the laundromat. What else can you do but think when all you have to do is watch clothes spin round and round?

I have come to accept the fact that I don't want to love someone over long distance anymore. I thought I could live with having a once-a-month boyfriend and be fine with it. And I was genuinely ok with it, at the beginning. But now that seems like a past self. The present me wants depth. Progress. I want to be moving on the trail and not stand stationary, no matter how beautiful the lookout point is at that moment.

I'll stop speaking in metaphors and just say, it was the right relationship to have at the right time. Unfortunately, we're in the wrong places, literally and psychologically. If things are meant to be, I believe they will be.

Day 14

The familiar begins to feel distant and the new begins to feel natural.

Day 13

Not much thought given to it today...but more clarity's a coming.

Day 12

This has nothing to do with why I returned to blogging on Day 1.

It's important to take a stand right? (Rhetorical question) Even if it means expressing something your friends or other people may not necessarily want to hear. I rejected two proposals of a friend today. The first time she asked if I wanted to do The Color Run. I said no because of an article similar to this one that I read about the organizer's for-profit status. The second time she proposed eating at a restaurant as part of our dinner plans. I checked it out and decided not to join, because they used to serve foie gras. I use the term "used to" in a pretty loose way, knowing that there have been many establishments that skirt the ban and find loopholes in order to continue serving it.

No hate against my friend's ideas at all. She is one of the sweetest people ever. I hate rejecting people. It makes me uncomfortable because I'm usually more than happy to be the easygoing one and go with the flow, say yes to plans that people make so that the other person or group stay happy and there is less hassle and drama for all involved. I couldn't do it though. It probably also has to do with the fact that I would be paying with my wallet for these activities, but more than anything I've decided I don't want to compromise my principles in order to keep the peace.

I know, I know. You can always say, just because this other place doesn't serve foie gras doesn't mean all their food is sourced ethically. Just because The Color Run has shady financial practices doesn't mean other races don't do that too. But of course. Just because I take a stand against one thing doesn't negate that there are bad practices happening elsewhere. And just because other places are doing bad things doesn't negate the moral and symbolic importance of taking a stand, period.

So back to Day 12. Yes, my mind was on our relationship today, mainly because I was watching the Broncos-Chargers game and imagining his reactions to each play in the game. Sad the Chargers championship hopes have been dashed, too.

Day 11

Pretty regular day. Errands were run, visited the gym, ate wings, watched football, napped, opened a bottle of wine the wrong way, cleaned my car, got a smog check, mailed a package, had a Bridgeway meeting, had a semi-productive Saturday. Not much contemplating going on. I thought about him, but I'm not necessarily missing him. I saw a picture posted of him on Facebook today and was glad he looked like he was having fun.

Being on the break has caused me to think about who I am outside of my relationship. Am I my own person? Am I happy with where I am in my life, in my relationships with other people? What else more could I be doing? I guess because in recent memory, the relationship hasn't been a defining, or at times even primary, feature of my life so that I've had the luxury of focusing energy on things larger than myself. Larger than a boyfriend. So maybe I shouldn't think about my relationship so much. I mean, it's important to think about it, but I don't want my waking hours to be dominated by being stressed over making choices and mulling over hypotheticals.

This will be the year of finding out more about myself. Hi Brandy. This will be the year of experiences and further discovery.  

Day 10

Took a break from a break today. Felt like familiar times...like friendship? I don't know. I'm so confused.

Day 9

Why do people deal with traumatic crises in their lives the way that they do? Some people completely break down, become inconsolably depressed, or reject everything and everyone around them. Others are amazingly resilient, building a greater capacity to embrace and to love, and become overall stronger beings.

This question popped up in my mind today in yoga class. My yoga instructor today came back after a hiatus of over a year from teaching. He was away taking care of and loving his wife who recently succumbed to cancer. Honestly, before walking into class today I felt a little nervous and awkward. It's not like I ever really talked with him, but I knew the reason why he was away and I'm really bad at dealing with sad or tragic situations that happen to other people. So my slight anxiety came from not knowing how I should act if we did happen to have a one-on-one moment, and especially not knowing how he might have been changed by this life-altering experience. My fear was unfounded, because he was his usual wholesome, cheery, vibrant self. Not a thing had changed except the fact that he forgot where the light switch was. I had not been to a class that packed, and full of energy and sweat in a while.

I don't really know why I did, but I teared up a little in my first downward dog. Was I imagining how it might feel to lose someone so precious in my life, and knowing I probably couldn't face that situation with half the strength he did? Was I in awe that a person could exhibit such internal and external strength and emerge seemingly stronger, more radiant, more loving, and more loved? I think that's what a person looks like when they have fully internalized yoga. Your core can lift more than your physical being. Your spirit, your being, your essence have all been lifted.

Day 8

Missing someone a lot. Saw pygmy goats on TV today and really wanted to tell said person, but I'll need to enjoy the moment with myself.

Day 7

Too physically tired to think about missing anyone today. Revealing that it feels like any other day.

Day 6

Happiness in other places. The green dot is alluring, a place of comfort and routine. I didn't realize it was happiness either, until I lost access to it.

Day 5

Topsy turvy. Stomach upside down. Glad for the upcoming busy week.

Day 4

Still thinking but distracted. A insignificant bit of resentment bubbles up.

Day 3

Day 2

Nostalgic and mulling. Oscillations.

Day 1

Tears and hole in heart. Early to bed.