he11o g00dbye14
today we were watching wheel of fortune, and the guy won a mini cooper. dad was like, that would be a nice car for brenda to win. it's small and convenient
11:52
Brenda Au
lolol
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Ai Ya
AW darn ittttttt. I should have suspected something when pimples sprouted all over my forehead and I kept staring longingly at the dark chocolate bar at Trader Joe's. Why is the timing always so bad?!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Just A Dream
I just had a very scary dream about a person I love very much dying. This is what I woke up to Wednesday morning. At least I woke up to find out it was just a dream. Thank goodness.
A lot of internal conflict lately. I need to just clear my head and be in balance.
A lot of internal conflict lately. I need to just clear my head and be in balance.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
What I Was Thinking While I Was on the Toilet Today
The toilet really has got to be the best modern invention ever.* Imagine if everyone was still doing their business in trenches and holes with no plumbing to flush it away. Blech. Yes, although there are many parts of the world that unfortunately still have to resort to that, at least there is a foreseeable solution. Thank you, Sir John Harrington. You, you really deserve inventor of the millenium award. Hm, maybe that's why the toilet is called the john.
I learned from Wiki answers that it takes about 1.6 gallons of water per toilet flush. That's quite a bit of water. It grossed me out when I first started doing this, but usually I would wait until the second trip to the bathroom to flush the toilet. I got over the gross-ness, because it's my own anyway, and now I get to use two times less water! (This is for number one only, of course =]) Gotta stick to the best mantra learned from Meet the Fockers.
*The next best invention is tampons.
I learned from Wiki answers that it takes about 1.6 gallons of water per toilet flush. That's quite a bit of water. It grossed me out when I first started doing this, but usually I would wait until the second trip to the bathroom to flush the toilet. I got over the gross-ness, because it's my own anyway, and now I get to use two times less water! (This is for number one only, of course =]) Gotta stick to the best mantra learned from Meet the Fockers.
<3. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.
Monday, August 22, 2011
The Danger of Ignorance
Whoever said ignorance is bliss was...ignorant. No, seriously. The other day I was reading a very sad and disgusting story about a white teenager who deliberately ran over a black man with his car, killing him. This is the story. I try to stay away from reading the comments sections when I read news stories because oftentimes I don't agree with what people say and it just wastes my time as I sit there in disbelief that people can be so obtuse. For some reason I decided to scroll down and read, and I think I found some of the deluded Americans who would vote for the Tea Party and cause a ruckus about Obama not being born in the US (see old entry addressing birthers aka idiots). Here is one example by 'Henridelagarrigue':
Ok, but anyway, I digress. What I really couldn't believe was that so many of these people did not think this was a racially motivated hate crime, as indicated in this post by 'jason':
Wake up, people. We still live in a society where your worth and potential for success is largely determined by stereotypes and the color of your skin. Ignorance is going to be the downfall of this so-called "great nation." By the time Americans open their eyes, if they ever do, we will have realized the crumbling of our society was brought about by none other than ourselves.
"Born in Hawaii?!?!?!? Paper can be generated to say anything you want it to. 2 days after the election, his own grandmother said he was born in Kenya. She was quickly whisked back to Kenya and mysteriously died 2 days later..."What the freak. People in this forum were proudly pointing at themselves, stating they TRULY believed in this Obama not being born in the US bullshit.
Ok, but anyway, I digress. What I really couldn't believe was that so many of these people did not think this was a racially motivated hate crime, as indicated in this post by 'jason':
"Good thing your not on the jury. You already know this was meant to terrorize a community huh? Ok,who needs evaluation of such unimportant issues as the facts and evidence. Sickening. A 19 year old terrorist trying to terrorize an entire community through a fight in a parking lot,ummm ok. And that should be weighed into the charges? Wow, why even bother with a trial huh? But cause the dude was white and victim black he's already guilty huh? Amazing. And what community was this 19 year old attacking?I guess you fill that in for us. Reverse racism buddy."Does he think the law was created to serve everyone equally? The legal system was born in an era where the social norm was to own slaves and count black people as 3/5 of a person. People who think the US has become a colorblind nation are living in in some sort of self-created utopia. Are we living in the same country?? How can you not understand that the black man was murdered because of his skin color? Some people take issue with race being mentioned in the crime. Why? Are they uncomfortable about having to face the cold, hard, ugly truth? Or are they genuinely blind to the deep legacy of racism that continues to exist in this country?
Wake up, people. We still live in a society where your worth and potential for success is largely determined by stereotypes and the color of your skin. Ignorance is going to be the downfall of this so-called "great nation." By the time Americans open their eyes, if they ever do, we will have realized the crumbling of our society was brought about by none other than ourselves.
Cooling Head
My last post was written at the height of emotional negativity and I didn't exactly express everything that I needed or wanted to. Now that I've had a few days to calm down and think (more) rationally about it, I can analyze the situation in a more productive way.
I have no doubt that my parents love me. They are the best parents I could ever ask for, and I am so blessed that they sacrifice selflessly and unequivocally for me, and of course I don't take it for granted that they're alive and healthy and that I can actually spend quality time with them, because many people can't do that anymore and I know it's a big regret for them. Even though my mom and me completely do not see eye to eye on my lifestyle habit of going out until 2 or 3 AM on the weekend, I know she yells and explodes at me because she is worried about my safety and I don't listen to her. I see her perspective that it is very disappointing and angering when you are only caring about your daughter's well-being and she completely doesn't seem to care or think your point is valid. And I know it is also hurtful when you do things as a parent from a starting point of love and your kid doesn't acknowledge or recognize that.
The thing is, yelling at me to get your point across might have had some effect when I was in high school. The reason I get so upset about it now is because my mom is trying to use a coercive method on me as an adult. This necessarily entails depriving me of some degree of respect I think I deserve. Yelling at me through the phone while my friend is sitting there and then hanging up when I'm not done talking is so disrespectful, even if I am her daughter. Not giving me a chance to express how I feel is also very frustrating. It makes me really mad when she can't control her anger and because of that, thinks nothing I say is worth listening to. She doesn't have to agree with my point of view, but she should at least acknowledge that I have one. I can't take her seriously when there is not even a minimal degree of dignity accorded to me as a person.
And even knowing that, I am going to break the ice first, since we have not been talking these past few days, and reconcile with her. Not to beg for her forgiveness or anything like that, because I don't think I've done anything wrong. As much as I'd like to continue the face-off to try to make her understand what my point of view is, she raised me with the notion that I need to always respect my elders. So even though she hung up on me and continues to treat me like a 15 year old, I just have to accept it. I love and care about my mom too much to see her sad and upset because of me.
But I have to say I can't find it in myself to sacrifice the lifestyle I had since college. I can't go back to how it was in high school, when I had a 12 AM curfew. Sometimes I will want to stay out late. Sometimes I will want to drink and have my fun. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for it. I'm not willing to have my social life dampened because I live at home now. I could have easily not moved back home so that my parents couldn't keep tabs on me. But I chose to come back home because I knew how much my parents wanted it. I'm not saying it was a huge sacrifice or inconvenience to do it, but I just hope they can see that having the freedom to come and go is the one thing I need in my life that I don't want to compromise.
I love you and I respect you but I need to live my life.
I have no doubt that my parents love me. They are the best parents I could ever ask for, and I am so blessed that they sacrifice selflessly and unequivocally for me, and of course I don't take it for granted that they're alive and healthy and that I can actually spend quality time with them, because many people can't do that anymore and I know it's a big regret for them. Even though my mom and me completely do not see eye to eye on my lifestyle habit of going out until 2 or 3 AM on the weekend, I know she yells and explodes at me because she is worried about my safety and I don't listen to her. I see her perspective that it is very disappointing and angering when you are only caring about your daughter's well-being and she completely doesn't seem to care or think your point is valid. And I know it is also hurtful when you do things as a parent from a starting point of love and your kid doesn't acknowledge or recognize that.
The thing is, yelling at me to get your point across might have had some effect when I was in high school. The reason I get so upset about it now is because my mom is trying to use a coercive method on me as an adult. This necessarily entails depriving me of some degree of respect I think I deserve. Yelling at me through the phone while my friend is sitting there and then hanging up when I'm not done talking is so disrespectful, even if I am her daughter. Not giving me a chance to express how I feel is also very frustrating. It makes me really mad when she can't control her anger and because of that, thinks nothing I say is worth listening to. She doesn't have to agree with my point of view, but she should at least acknowledge that I have one. I can't take her seriously when there is not even a minimal degree of dignity accorded to me as a person.
And even knowing that, I am going to break the ice first, since we have not been talking these past few days, and reconcile with her. Not to beg for her forgiveness or anything like that, because I don't think I've done anything wrong. As much as I'd like to continue the face-off to try to make her understand what my point of view is, she raised me with the notion that I need to always respect my elders. So even though she hung up on me and continues to treat me like a 15 year old, I just have to accept it. I love and care about my mom too much to see her sad and upset because of me.
But I have to say I can't find it in myself to sacrifice the lifestyle I had since college. I can't go back to how it was in high school, when I had a 12 AM curfew. Sometimes I will want to stay out late. Sometimes I will want to drink and have my fun. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for it. I'm not willing to have my social life dampened because I live at home now. I could have easily not moved back home so that my parents couldn't keep tabs on me. But I chose to come back home because I knew how much my parents wanted it. I'm not saying it was a huge sacrifice or inconvenience to do it, but I just hope they can see that having the freedom to come and go is the one thing I need in my life that I don't want to compromise.
I love you and I respect you but I need to live my life.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
You'll Never Understand
They can always say, when you become a parent you'll understand. But I can't say, when you become a young Chinese-American adult growing up in the US you'll understand.
It makes me sad. You are such a difficult person to deal with, you know that? I hate it when you say things like you don't know why you gave birth to a daughter who is so selfish and disobedient. Why do you say things like that? Do you say it to hurt me? Do you say it because you are angry? How am I a selfish person? How am I selfish when the only reason I would consider staying in LA for work AND living at home is because I don't want you and Dad to age without me being there for you guys? How am I a disobedient daughter? I live at home. I have never done anything that I am ashamed of. I graduated from a good school and am trying to make something out of myself. I know I am not as smart as my sister, but I love you and Dad so much I always try to make you both proud.
I'm 25. I shouldn't be arguing with you over and over again like when I was 17 about doing the things I want to do. I hate that you try to control me. Don't control me! Don't tell me what to do. The more you try to rein me in, the more defiant I want to be, the more I want to rebel. You get upset that I don't tell you things that go on in my life, but I can't stand telling you things only to have you criticize what I am doing. I already have enough critics.
I can brush off mean things other people say because I don't give a shit about them. But when you say the horrible things you do to me, I never forget it, whether I am 15 or 25.
And I will never be able to tell you any of this because you will never want to listen to anything I have to say. You will never understand.
It makes me sad. You are such a difficult person to deal with, you know that? I hate it when you say things like you don't know why you gave birth to a daughter who is so selfish and disobedient. Why do you say things like that? Do you say it to hurt me? Do you say it because you are angry? How am I a selfish person? How am I selfish when the only reason I would consider staying in LA for work AND living at home is because I don't want you and Dad to age without me being there for you guys? How am I a disobedient daughter? I live at home. I have never done anything that I am ashamed of. I graduated from a good school and am trying to make something out of myself. I know I am not as smart as my sister, but I love you and Dad so much I always try to make you both proud.
I'm 25. I shouldn't be arguing with you over and over again like when I was 17 about doing the things I want to do. I hate that you try to control me. Don't control me! Don't tell me what to do. The more you try to rein me in, the more defiant I want to be, the more I want to rebel. You get upset that I don't tell you things that go on in my life, but I can't stand telling you things only to have you criticize what I am doing. I already have enough critics.
I can brush off mean things other people say because I don't give a shit about them. But when you say the horrible things you do to me, I never forget it, whether I am 15 or 25.
And I will never be able to tell you any of this because you will never want to listen to anything I have to say. You will never understand.
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