Cooling Head

My last post was written at the height of emotional negativity and I didn't exactly express everything that I needed or wanted to. Now that I've had a few days to calm down and think (more) rationally about it, I can analyze the situation in a more productive way.

I have no doubt that my parents love me. They are the best parents I could ever ask for, and I am so blessed that they sacrifice selflessly and unequivocally for me, and of course I don't take it for granted that they're alive and healthy and that I can actually spend quality time with them, because many people can't do that anymore and I know it's a big regret for them. Even though my mom and me completely do not see eye to eye on my lifestyle habit of going out until 2 or 3 AM on the weekend, I know she yells and explodes at me because she is worried about my safety and I don't listen to her. I see her perspective that it is very disappointing and angering when you are only caring about your daughter's well-being and she completely doesn't seem to care or think your point is valid. And I know it is also hurtful when you do things as a parent from a starting point of love and your kid doesn't acknowledge or recognize that.

The thing is, yelling at me to get your point across might have had some effect when I was in high school. The reason I get so upset about it now is because my mom is trying to use a coercive method on me as an adult. This necessarily entails depriving me of some degree of respect I think I deserve. Yelling at me through the phone while my friend is sitting there and then hanging up when I'm not done talking is so disrespectful, even if I am her daughter. Not giving me a chance to express how I feel is also very frustrating. It makes me really mad when she can't control her anger and because of that, thinks nothing I say is worth listening to. She doesn't have to agree with my point of view, but she should at least acknowledge that I have one. I can't take her seriously when there is not even a minimal degree of dignity accorded to me as a person.

And even knowing that, I am going to break the ice first, since we have not been talking these past few days, and reconcile with her. Not to beg for her forgiveness or anything like that, because I don't think I've done anything wrong. As much as I'd like to continue the face-off to try to make her understand what my point of view is, she raised me with the notion that I need to always respect my elders. So even though she hung up on me and continues to treat me like a 15 year old, I just have to accept it. I love and care about my mom too much to see her sad and upset because of me.

But I have to say I can't find it in myself to sacrifice the lifestyle I had since college. I can't go back to how it was in high school, when I had a 12 AM curfew. Sometimes I will want to stay out late. Sometimes I will want to drink and have my fun. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for it. I'm not willing to have my social life dampened because I live at home now. I could have easily not moved back home so that my parents couldn't keep tabs on me. But I chose to come back home because I knew how much my parents wanted it. I'm not saying it was a huge sacrifice or inconvenience to do it, but I just hope they can see that having the freedom to come and go is the one thing I need in my life that I don't want to compromise.

I love you and I respect you but I need to live my life.