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I love Ellen Degeneres.

Staying Healthy

It's not New Year's, but I recently came up with a resolution I am going to follow to the T. I took a blood test recently as part of an annual checkup (everyone should get one) and the lab results came back saying I had rather high blood sugar. My family on my mom's side has a history of diabetes so when I heard this news about my health, I became pretty worried. Then yesterday I was reading an article about the really detrimental effects of sugar and then I became really worried. Increased risk of heart disease. Belly fat. Rapid aging. So then I put my foot down and decided, the only source of sugar I'm getting will be from fruit and food with sugar byproducts.

It's been kind of difficult saying no to sweets and refraining from reaching for those chocolate covered raisins, but I need to put this resolution in practice to the extreme. Otherwise, my immediate gratification will eventually give way to regret. I think this is all part of my realization that my body is starting to catch up with my age and I need to treat it well. Love and nurture thyself. Put things into myself that are good for me, that my body will respond to positively and want. I won't have tight, smooth skin; dark, full hair, strong muscles, and reflexes with the ability to respond and react quickly for the rest of my life. I want to be able to keep it for as long as I can because once it's gone, it's gone. And the only thing I want to be gone in my life right now is gosh darn, troublemaking sugar. Be gone!

My Mind is Getting in the Way of my Thinking

This weekend is hosting-my-family-at-the-apartment weekend. It's been a bit stressful, planning things for them to do, making sure they're well-rested and happy, all the while thinking about how much work I have waiting for me on Monday when I return.

This is where my scatterbrain-ness really does me a disservice than any other time. I think my ability to remember things is negatively correlated with my stress level. Even in moments where I am supposed to be in partial or pure relaxation, I find my mind wandering and trying to make a mental checklist of all the things I need to do. I'll be reading a magazine and thinking, what was that ONE gosh darn thing I forgot to put on my to-do list? Or lying in savasana in my yoga practice and thinking about how I'll sequence the ever-accumulating tasks I have for work. I need to prioritize my tasks. All tasks are priority. I'm always thinking about work. I don't want to, but my mind involuntarily starts thinking about it, perusing it. I'm doing it right now. RIGHT NOW, as I'm blogging. I make checklists in numerous spots so I have no centralized checklist and sometimes I'll have to make a checklist to make sure I've remembered where all my checklists are.

Help? I need the Yoga Cove.

The Most Valuable

I haven't blogged in a long time, but something happened tonight that compelled me to write an entry.

My friend's young cousin passed away. He was in his early 20s and battling cancer.

I didn't know him, but his tragic death made me think about how fleeting human life is. No matter what stage of our lives we are at, our existence and consciousness are vulnerable. They can be robbed of us in a matter of seconds. I wonder how my friend's cousin felt during the final days of his life. Was he angry? Was he scared? I know how I would feel. If life were something tangible, I would grip it with all my might and squeeze it so hard it may seem to become intertwined and undifferentiable between my essence and itself. I would be so afraid to lose consciousness, the ability to connect with my family, my friends, breathe air, see colors, hear sounds, taste food, have the energy to do everything I planned for myself in anticipation of what I believed was years and years of opportunity.

This event reminded me of all the Janet Liangs in the world. My heart rushed to tell everyone in my world I loved them, I appreciated them, I was grateful for them, I always wanted to protect them, and I cared more about their safety than anything else. Lest consciousness leave me before I had a chance to convey all of this to all my loved ones, I felt the utmost desperation to make sure everyone knew what I was thinking. Because no one knows what happens to you when you leave this world. No one can send a message for you, even if it is the most meaningful one in the universe. No one would ever know.

Let people know. Make people know.

I hope that the Janets in the world can have a precious extension on their time in this world, so that they may lead and teach others how to cherish their own lives. 

If you're reading this right now that message was intended for you. You should think about doing this: each day, dedicate time, even if only for a few minutes, doing something that you find genuine enjoyment and happiness from. I've told myself that I am going to start doing this. I will not squander this gift I consider the most valuable, because I don't know at what moment it will be taken from me.

YLOO

Resist the easy comforts of complacency, the specious glitter of materialism, the narcotic paralysis of self-satisfaction.  Be worthy of your advantages.

That about sums it up. One of the best commencement speeches I've seen in a while. A fresh reminder that I should go forth, in all my insignificance, and appreciate and be thankful every day that I wake up breathing air and have the opportunity to enjoy Paris for Paris, climb the mountain, and afford moments of self satisfaction.

Why Do You Want Kids?

Is it ok to not have a remote desire to have children? It's not like I'm thinking about this because I'm debating right now in my life whether or not I want to have kids. Lately it's been on my mind quite a bit, more on a philosophical level than anything. I have this acquaintance I went to grad school with who's on my Gchat, who besides is so left leaning she makes me look conservative, posts rants in her status about the immorality of having children. I don't necessarily think it's unethical or immoral. Having children, in my opinion, is a natural right to any living being. It's unethical and immoral when people who are unfit to be parents do have children and burden not only their children's lives, but society at large. This phenomenon of giving so little thought to having children caused me, in turn, to think about why that is. That is, why do people give so little thought to having children and so much credit to it being the next natural stage in life? Is it assumed at some point in your life, you will want to be a mother? A father? What if there are people who never feel that desire? Scratch the 'what if', there are people like that, as evidenced by the comments in this article. I guess the question should be, why is the choice to not have children stigmatized or seen as deviating from the norm? Is having children really the norm? I don't push people who give good reasons to want to have kids. Even having the genuine desire to be a mother, a father, is a good enough reason to me. But I don't think everyone does have that desire. Why aren't we more critical when we ask ourselves, why do I want kids? Do I really want to participate in parenthood? Do I really love children? Or am I doing it because it's the "natural", unquestionable next stage in my life?

I asked myself those questions. At this point in my life, I couldn't find a justifiable answer to that question. To me, I have to find an answer that is bigger than me. Bigger than simply wanting to make a child with my lover, or have my genes carried on. What is parenthood about? At its core, isn't it about selflessly providing for, nurturing, giving the utmost care and love to another life on this planet? There are plenty of existing ones to choose from. Lives, that is. A full, breathing life, whether by chance or regret or whatever else it was, was brought into this world and needing this love, nurture, and selflessness much more than a visage of a life that at this point, is characterized by a sperm and an egg in two people's bodies. Adoption.

This passage really spoke to me when I read it in aforementioned article.

"...no one ever said to me, "Thank you. Thank you for giving the biggest possible gift to the planet by not having a child—bigger than any other act— not owning a car or not flying." No one ever gives people without children any credit."

Hm. Maybe not having...is an ultimate act of selflessness. I sure do feel that way when I see a mom toting around a stroller and four toddlers, two of which are screaming and one is running around without their shoes on. That sounds arrogantly apoplectic, but I am unapologetic. I may sound utterly unlovable towards kids, but quite the contrary. I quite like kids. When I hold a baby, I feel this indescribable warmth in my heart that suddenly turns my body into a cocoon, a desire to protect that helpless thing I am carrying in my arms. So yes, I like kids. I just...haven't found a reason to want my own biological ones, neither on a hypothetical or fundamental level.

If I pass my "fertile" period as a female, aka 20-late 30s without having children, will I regret it? Though I haven't entirely passed through this period yet, I have to say, regret what? Regret not bringing another life into this world? Regret that there wouldn't be another little someone with a bit of me in it? I can't say I do...or would...

I can't say my perspective on this is definitive. Maybe one day, for whatever reason, my selfish desire to procreate will overcome my personal principle of not having children for the sake of having children. It would have to be a really stupendous, life altering reason...one that I have not an inkling of right now.

There's Suddenly This Lump in my Throat.

452 really doesn't sound so much when I think about seeing you.